WHAT I LEARNED FROM MY BROTHERS

"WHERE THERE'S A WILL, THERE'S A RELATIVE" AND OTHER SMART-ALECK THINGS I LEARNED FROM MY BROTHERS

You know where to find sympathy? In the dictionary between shit and syphilis.

How much money did your momma let you bring with you? (This said when one is challenged and wants to bet!)

You got your boots on--it's getting deep in here!

Your momma wears marine green and combat boots and follows troop trains with a mattress strapped to her back, yelling "Curb service!"

Yo momma wears combat boots.

Never eat at a place called Mom's, never play poker with a guy named Doc, and never sleep with a woman who has more troubles than you do! (I just learned this was originally from Nelson Algren)

Don't eat the yellow snow!

True friends stab you in the front.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

If you really want to find someone, turn them over to the student-loan people!

Being smart is knowing a tomato is a fruit--being really smart is knowing not to put it in fruit salad.

We never grew up--we just learned how to act in public!

I've been to three county fairs and a chicken-plucking contest and I've never seen anything like this before!

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

And this was put on my refrigerator:

What do you call a woman who has PMS, SAT, and SPC? A bitch who knows everything and can prove it! (Nobody will take "credit" for posting it on my refrigerator, but I sent it out for handwriting analysis and fingerprinting!)