I'M STILL AFRAID OF THE DARK

My friend Bobbi saw an ad in the newspaper for an hypnosis event. It promised cures for a great number of problems including weight loss and smoking cessation. As I am always up for an "adventure", I agreed to go with her to cure my lifelong problem: I'm a grown woman who is afraid of the dark; there's always a light on in my house and there's always a light outside. 

Once my brother Bode was visiting and he was the last one to go to bed; he turned off all of the lights as he had always done in his own home. When I awoke there was no light visible under the door from the hallway and there was no moon visible out the window. I pounded on Gerald to wake up and he turned on a light inside the closet.

When Bobbi told me about the hypnosis event, I told her that although I was willing to try, I'm a skeptic and added, "From that ad I half-expect we'll have world peace."

The event was held in a church basement. One person wanted to stop smoking, one had claustrophobia, another was afraid to fly, but the goal of nearly every attendee was to lose weight. I sheepishly confessed that I was afraid of the dark. The hypnotist began his routine but I could feel no sensation of "going under". We were supposed to keep our eyes closed but I admit I was peeking sidelong glances and I could see the others in the class swaying.

Suddenly the church bells rang and I jumped out of my seat. The hypnotist told me that some people can't/won't be put under hypnosis. All the others in the class remained in their seats and continued swaying as the hypnotist's voice quietly told them, "You're in a deep, deep sleep." In a few minutes he would bring one of them awake and have the person perform some comical act and he would tell them that whatever the problem was, the hypnosis would cure it.

Well, Bobbi didn't lose any weight, we don't have world peace, and I'm still afraid of the dark.

JUDITH LEIBER, R.I.P.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 9, 2016

ALL DRESSED UP WITH NOWHERE TO GO

My friend Gretchen brought a JUDITH LEIBER purse for my birthday. I had told her numerous times that I would love to have a Judith Leiber bag but I never expected to receive one.

It is an exquisite, peau de soie evening clutch bag.  I haven't seen peau de soie used since I bought peau de soie shoes to wear with my wedding gown.

Where, oh where will I go to carry this luxe accessory?

I told her, "Now, I'll have to have a manicure and a new dress;  I'll have to wear heels."  Those wedding day shoes do not match this tony purse.

Later, my brother Les said, "So, you have to have a whole new wardrobe to match the purse?  Where will you go to show-off this wardrobe?  You're gonna be all dressed up with nowhere to go!"

Later, conferring with Gretchen, she assured me that I SHOULD have a whole new ensemble!  It is great to have an enabler for a friend.

I said, "Maybe we'll receive an invitation to an Inaugural Ball;  we did in 2008."

Another friend came to visit, and naturally, I had to show the elegant purse to her.  She also agreed that I needed a new dress and heels to wear and she said, "Oh, you'll be so soignee nobody will know that you're from Washington Court House."

In relating that conversation to my brother, he asked, "Are only French words allowed to describe the BAG?  Just don't be chichi!"

ANY EXCUSE...

Tomorrow is Primary Election Day.  If you do not feel comfortable declaring a choice of political party, then please request an "Issues Only" ballot, as we have important issues on the ballot. 

When hearing lame answers when quizzing us about not performing chores my mother would often say, acerbically, "Any excuse is better than none."

WHY don't people vote?  I have heard the following:

"I have to work."
"It's raining."
"I'm too busy."
"I don't know where to go."
"I don't know when it's supposed to be."
"My vote doesn't matter." 
"It's too hard to register."
"I don't care." 
"I have to carpool."
"I don't know any of the people."
"I don't like any of them."

and the number one reason given for NOT voting:

"I don't want to be called for jury duty."

I guess that any excuse is better than none.

CHOOSING A NEW DOCTOR

Years ago, I arrived promptly for my 11:00 AM appointment at the gynecologist's office. At the time I was working second shift and had to be to work at 3:00 PM. The waiting area had several people seated. At 11:30 AM I asked one of the other women what was the time of  her appointment and she said, 9:00.

 I exclaimed, "You've been waiting two hours--WHY--did you find out what was wrong?" I went to the desk and asked what the problem was and the receptionist informed me that DOCTOR was delivering a baby at the hospital and would be at the office as soon as she finished. [I hate it when the staff of doctors say "DOCTOR" instead of "the doctor"] I said, "So, when were you going to tell us?" She answered, cavalierly, "You should know that problems happen." I responded angrily, "Well, YOU should know that MY time is just as important as THE doctor's and YOU should have told ME about the situation when I signed in so that I could make the decision of what I wanted to do with MY time." I continued, "Why would you think that I would want to wait around in a doctor's waiting room when I could be doing something IMPORTANT?"

She looked stunned that I would even complain.

I continued my tirade by telling her that I would be charged if I missed an appointment and I thought that the women who'd been waiting since 9:00 should be compensated for their valuable time.

I left, went home, called another gynecologist and made an appointment.

That's when I made my decision to interview doctors.

When I met my new doctor, she sat down and started by telling me her "philosophy" about dealing with patients. I listened and said, in what I considered a droll tone, "As for myself, I'm a follower of Kierkegaard." She looked embarrassed and answered, "Was I condescending?" I said, "A wee bit." I then took out my 3 x 5 cards and began telling her my expectations. I began by telling her that I would never waste her time and that I would be prepared ahead of time to discuss any problems I might have. She told me that she'd never had a patient so well-prepared. She asked if she could keep the cards. They are still in my file at her office.

She and I had a great relationship in the intervening years; we would often reference our first meeting.  

I am so sorry that she died in January.

HEAD GASKETS

At my bridal shower, one of the "games" was to make a bridal gown using tissue paper. The participants could use only paper and pins. It was cute AND humiliating. The bridal bouquet was also tissue paper and someone thought it would have been a cute idea to put inflated condoms to represent flowers in the bouquet.  Fortunately, there were no condoms available.

I said that I had never seen a condom and others were laughing in disbelief when I revealed that fact. The next day at work one of the shower participants told that I had said that I had never seen a condom. The women who had all known me for years had no problem believing me that it was true.

The next day one of the women said at break time, "Close your eyes and hold out your hand; I have a present for you!" When I opened my eyes, there were two packets--one with lime green and the other Tahitian pink--of condoms. I let out a scream and everyone enjoyed the prank.  After the wedding I showed them to Gerald but he refused to "model" them.  Those 47-year-old packets are still in my jewel box.

Before we were married Gerald was working at a second job at my cousin's filling station and one evening a man came in and said, "Hey, buddy, you're out of head gaskets in the men's restroom!" Gerald said, "We don't carry head gaskets." The guy then explained to Gerald that the prophylactic machine in the men's restroom was empty. HEAD GASKETS!  In the intervening years, whenever I have heard the phrase head gaskets I naturally think of Gerald's relating that anecdote.

THURSDAY, AU

FROG LADY

I am inspired by my reference yesterday to "Open-TOAD" shoes.

Recently I saw a car with the license plate FROG L8E. I assume the "L8E" meant something but I didn't "GET" it. Beside the license plate was a sticker which read: "Frog parking only; all others will be TOAD!" I chuckled at that but still wondered why the owner would have the "L8E" which was not understandable--at least to me-- but later Les said, "It must mean LADY."

When I told Les about the license plate, he said, "There are two kinds of people in the world--those who have vanity plates-- and those who don't." I said, "I don't understand people getting vanity plates and especially having stuff that's not easily understood."

Les said, "There are also two kinds of people in the world: people who put bumper stickers on their cars which people will not GET and those who don't."  I asked, "Like what?" He continued, "You know, like 26+6=1." Touche! I had that bumper sticker on my car which of course most people did not "GET"! He said, "What's the purpose of having something on there which 99.9% of people won't understand?" I answered, "It made me feel good." He said, "Maybe the Frog lady feels good!"

I always made fun of people who had a bumper sticker "I'd rather be driving my Corvette" on their car. I told Gerald I wanted a bumper sticker for my Corvette which would read: "I'd rather be driving my Maserati."  He thinks it 

would be a cardinal sin to put a bumper sticker on a Corvette.

We are discussing buying a Tesla and had a test ride in a Tesla 3 last week.  Gerald said, "Please tell me you wouldn't put bumper stickers on it."  I said, "Well, I might want to put 'I'd rather be driving my Tesla S!' on a Tesla 3!"

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 25, 2011