PURINA DIET

Mona Lisa sent this to me. I don't know why she wrote that it reminded her of me.

A RETIREE'S LAST TRIP TO COSTCO

Yesterday I was at the local Costco, buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow for my loyal pet, Owen, the Wonder Dog, and I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

Because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her no, that I didn't have a dog but I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time I tried it, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is: load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two each time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete (certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I must mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Obviously horrified, the woman asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no--I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant--and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

HOWEVER:

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

People better watch what they ask retired people because they have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.