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Saturday, September 23, 2017

IRENE

Gerald and I and our friends frequent a Chinese restaurant so often that we have our "own table" and are greeted effusively by the proprietors and they automatically know our drink preferences.  

Recently our favorite employee there introduced us to her lovely little daughter and we naturally asked the child's name and she answered "Eileen".   Afterward I said, "I am ashamed of myself but I have to tell this "BOB" joke:  

What do you call an Asian girl with one arm and one leg leaning up against a wall?  IRENE!"

I had to refresh the memories of the other couple about "BOB" jokes:  

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs who likes to go swimming?  Of course, the answer is BOB!

On reflection, the "IRENE" bit wasn't the greatest joke, and I was greeted with disdain and groaning, but before judgement, guess what?  They all "got" the "IRENE" reference for "EILEEN/I LEAN" meaning, so they are just as bad, but when I later told my wiseacre brother, he said, "If you gotta explain 'em,..."

If you do not understand WHY that was included by me as a "BOB" jokes, see my article below from 2010:

                               BOB JOKES

OK, I admit, I have sick humor! Many years ago, I heard my first "BOB" joke:

"What do you call a guy with no arms and legs who likes to go swimming? BOB"

Over the years, I have maintained a collection of "BOB" and "BARB" jokes, much to the dismay of family and friends. Just let anyone say, "Hey, remember BOB jokes?" and I'm on a roll. Recently, a friend introduced another generation to BOB jokes and asked me, (dubbing me "the VENERABLE ONE") for my assistance. "Should I or should I not?", I wondered.  How could I disappoint a new generation?

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs who water skis? SKIP
Is in your mailbox? BILL 
Hangs on your wall? ART 
Is in front of your door? MATT 
Is under a car? JACK 
Rakes leaves? RUSSELL 
Was with wild animals? CLAUDE 
Is covered with cement? ROCK 
Was stoned to death? ROCKY 
Plays golf? CHIP 
Is on stage? MIKE 
Is in a vehicle? OTTO 
Is under a microscope? GENE 
Was struck by lightning? ROD 
Is in your spice rack? HERB or BASIL
Is in a flowerbed? PETE 
Flies over a fence? HOMER
Is in a bank vault? RICH 
Is in a hole? PHIL 
Is on 2 wheels? AXEL
Is in a coffee cup? JOE 
Is in a bank? BUCK 
Is covered with sauerkraut? REUBEN 
Is in a fireplace? BERNIE 
Is in a men's room? JOHN 
Is in a grocery bag? CARY 
Has been in collisions? REX 
Loosens Hex screws? ALLEN 
Is buried 6 feet under? DOUG 
Is buried 3 feet under? DOUGLAS 
Was cooked by cannibals? STU 
Is foaming at the mouth? BUD 
Is at a news desk? JUSTIN 
Is covered with glue? ELMER 
Is on a piece of paper? MARK 
Is covered with oil? DEREK 
Is remembered by the deceased? WILL 
Who does his own shaving? NICK
Is between two buildings? ALI 
Is in the end zone? SPIKE 
Whose head is underwater? DUNCAN 
Is an electrician? SPARKY 
Is under a bed? DUSTY 
Is in a lingerie drawer? TEDDY 
Is in a bathtub? DWAYNE

I can't have BOB jokes without including BARB jokes:

What do you call a woman with no arms and legs caught in a fence? BARB

Against a wall? EILEEN 
Floating on a pond? LILY 
In a vase? ROSE 
Who feels worthless? PENNY 
In a stream? BROOKE 
Holding a coat? PEG 
On a beach? SANDY 
With a breaking wind problem? GALE 
In a frying pan? PAM 
In a box of chocolates? CANDY 
Hanging from a chandelier? TIFFANY 
On your dining room table? CRYSTAL 
Between two slices of bread? PATTY

I've saved the self-deprecating one until last:

What do you call a woman with no arms and legs bringing a lawsuit to court? SUE

At least I didn't include HELEN KELLER jokes!

Friday, September 22, 2017

IEOMB

I love acronyms.  I have been known to create a few.  However, I knew that I had used the phrase "indelibly etched on my brain" far too often when "IEOMB" appeared on a WIPC (work in process control) board in my area at work because of my complaining about missing components needed for production.

I know that on Facebook and Twitter, that texting phrases, slang, and acronyms are sometimes humorously "abbreviated" and "casual", (e.g.: "u" for "you", "ur" for "you are", "b" for "be", "adr" for "address", "thx" for "thanks", and "cuz" for "because") but I keep noticing that people on Facebook do not grasp when "no" should be "know", "suppose" should be "supposed"; and "its" should be "it's"! ("ITS" is especially problematic because I recently learned that the acronym ITS in texting means "intense text sex"!



But surely people are not so busy that they cannot type "know"! I would think that only Twitter excuses abbreviating, as one is limited to 140 characters per posting.

I do like some of the acronyms: YOLO, CYT, BTW, and WTH.

I don't tweet or text.

I no, I no! (I know, I know!)

Thursday, September 21, 2017

AMERICA'S ORIGINAL SIN

There is a local Aryan Nation group and I am shocked to hear frequent bigoted remarks in my county.   As a member of the Southern Poverty Law Center, I am also aware of the frightening increase of hate groups in our country.  I see the results of the encouragement of bigotry, misogyny, and racism from the current resident of the White House.

I was almost ready to give up hope of common decency in my country but when I saw the Reverend Robert Lee IV agreeing about the removal of public monuments which extolled Southerners who seceded from the Union, it gave me hope that change is possible.  Because of the negative backlash from his congregation, the Reverend Lee has resigned from the church.

Part of his statement:  

"My name is Robert Lee IV.  I'm a descendant of Robert E. Lee, the Civil War general whose statue was the center of violence in Charlottesville.  We have made my ancestor an idol of white supremacy, racism, and hate.  As a pastor, it is my moral duty to speak out against racism, America's original sin." 

I always knew that change is possible.  Below is an article I wrote in 2013:

                        CHANGE IS POSSIBLE


My Facebook friend Mark Kennedy is the leader of the Democratic Party in Alabama. He is married to Peggy WALLACE Kennedy. Peggy is the daughter of George and Lurleen Wallace. Peggy was thirteen years old when her father made the infamous "Stand in the schoolhouse door" speech on June 11, 1963. President Kennedy federalized the Alabama National Guard and James Hood and Vivian Malone entered the University of Alabama.

This year, with Dr. Sharon Malone at her side, Peggy Wallace apologized for what had happened fifty years ago.  I am surprised that it did not receive the media coverage it deserves.

It is heartening to see that change is possible and the sheer beauty of George Wallace's daughter being the instrument of change is especially thrilling. Peggy Wallace has magnanimity and grace as well as being a caring daughter. She said that she hoped that her children had the legacy of their mother and not their grandfather.

A bit of trivia: Vivian Malone's sister is married to Eric Holder.

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

L'SHANA TOVA

Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, will be celebrated in 2017 from sundown on September 20 to nightfall on September 22.. The Hebrew date for Rosh Hashanah is 1 Tishrei 5778.

Though Rosh Hashanah literally means "head of the year," the holiday actually takes place on the first two days of the Hebrew month of Tishrei, which is the seventh month on the Hebrew calendar. This is because Rosh Hashanah, one of four new years in the Jewish year, is considered the new year of people, animals, and legal contracts. In the Jewish oral tradition, Rosh Hashanah marks the completion of the creation of the world.

Rosh Hashanah is the beginning of the Jewish High Holy Days, or Yamim Noraim (the "Days of Awe"), and is followed 10 days later by Yom Kippur, the "Day of Atonement";  the Mishnah refers to Rosh Hashanah as the "Day of Judgment" and it is believed that God opens the Book of Life on this day and begins to decide who shall live and who shall die. The days between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur are viewed as an opportunity for Jews to repent (teshuvah in Hebrew) and ensure a good fate.


The New Year greeting is l'shana tova which means "good New Year".

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

MERELY FOOLISH!

Trying to register people to vote, I find it astounding that the most frequent excuse that I hear from people for not voting is that they don't want to be called for jury duty. When I explain how easy it is to be excused from jury duty, they say they still don't want to take the chance. My brother scolded me for telling people that, reminding me of the saying, "Would you like to be tried by a jury with people who were too dumb to get out of jury duty?"

I think it's my patriotic duty to serve on juries and over the years, I have served on Municipal, Grand, and Petit juries. Defense attorneys usually excuse me and I think it's because I have terminated people. That is rather ironic as I think I would be a juror who would be very sympathetic of the rights of defendants. At one voir dire, a defense attorney asked me how many people I had fired and I answered that I hadn't counted the notches on my gun belt that morning. Yes, I knew that being a smart-aleck would get me excused, but I didn't want to serve on that particular case.

One time when I served on a Breaking and Entering case, I believed that the prosecutor did not meet the burden of proof and I voted for acquittal. One of the male jurors also voted to acquit, thus the vote was 10 to 2 for conviction. The jurors agreed to discuss the case and the man who voted with me for acquittal said that he would never believe a word a cop said and he wouldn't vote for conviction. I told him that he had to be removed. He told me I was crazy because he had voted with me. I told him that I had arrived at my decision based on the evidence and that I wasn't prejudiced and he was. He was removed when I notified the judge. When the alternate juror was seated the vote was 11 to 1. Yes, I hung the jury!

After the trial, I went to the prosecutor and told him I'd like to give him a suggestion. He was immediately interested and asked how the jury voted.  I told him it was 11 to 1.  He asked who was the lone holdout and I told him it was I.  He said, very surprised, "YOU, I didn't think it was you! You were so attentive!"   I told him that I knew that attorneys think they can "read" juries and it was my job to be attentive.


The Prosecutor asked why I had voted for acquittal and I told him that he hadn't met the burden of proof;  he asked me for examples which I provided. He asked about the juror who'd been replaced and I told him that he had also voted to acquit. He said he couldn't believe that I went to the judge about the one who was voting with me. I answered, "He was prejudiced; I wasn't." I then asked him, "You know how the defense always asks the question whether we would believe a police officer more than other people?" He nodded and I said, "You should ask if we would believe a police officer LESS." I said, "You know if we answer yes to the defense on the first question, we'll be excused, and if we answer yes on the second question, you'll remove us!" I continued, "I think that guy would have been excused from jury duty if you had asked that question."

At the second trial, the defendant obviously had a better lawyer because he was acquitted.

At a drunk driving case, I was in the venire waiting to be questioned and six jurors had already been seated. One of my former teachers was called for voie dire and I knew that she was near my mother's age and she could have been excused because of her age. She sat down and immediately turned to the judge and announced, "Your Honor, I need to tell you that I think drinking is a sin!" The defense attorney immediately jumped up and said that he wanted to poll the jury because she had corrupted the jury pool. He was then allowed to ask questions about the beliefs and drinking habits of the jurors and prospective jurors and two who had been seated were excused. When it was my turn to be qizzed, the defense attorney asked if I thought drinking was a sin and I answered, "No, merely foolish!" I was excused.


Monday, September 18, 2017

TRIPLE A SERVICE


CHUTZPAH: Dictionary definition: noun, Yiddish
shameless audacity, utter nerve, gall, effrontery, impudent rudeness, lack of respect, supreme self-confidence.  


My favorite definition for chutzpah is from Leo Rosten: a man, who, having killed his parents, threw himself on the mercy of the court because he was an orphan.

Last night, on Facebook, I read someone's posting about unsatisfactory service he had received by AAA. When I inquired this was his complete story:

He had run out of gas and he called AAA to bring gas. When AAA asked for his membership information, he told AAA that THEY needed to call his GREAT-GRANDMOTHER and she would give permission to use her membership card.  Of course AAA refused to do that. He said he told AAA that he couldn't understand why they wouldn't help him because his grandfather had used his great-grandmother's membership and didn't have his own card.

I asked, "Are you crazy; why do you think you should be able to use it?" He said, "She pays $100 a year, so why shouldn't I be able to use it?" I said, "Well, because you are not on her plan and if you were she would have to pay extra." He posited that that wasn't fair because he is family.  I asked, "So you think that $100 membership should cover her, her children, her grandchildren, her great-grandchildren, and in-laws?" He said that he did because AAA was supposed to help people. I said, "AAA is supposed to take care of the people who have PAID to have that coverage--it's not a charity!"

I asked him, "Do you realize that you could cause your great-grandmother to lose her coverage by telling about your grandfather using it illegally?" He countered with, "They can't do that." I said, "If she had committed fraud by letting unauthorized people use her service, then they most certainly could--why would they want such a risky person?" He said, "There's no fraud, I'm family." I said, "But you're not on HER Family Plan!" I asked him, "In what universe do you think this wouldn't be considered fraud?"

Can you believe the SHAMELESS AUDACITY, UTTER NERVE, GALL, EFFRONTERY, IMPUDENT RUDENESS, LACK OF RESPECT AND SUPREME SELF-CONFIDENCE it takes to think this way?