SHOPPING WHILE BLACK, PART 1

Last night I watched the impressive, enlightening Town Hall Meeting on MSNBC entitled EVERYDAY RACISM IN AMERICA and Valerie Jarrett was a panelist.  Everyone should watch the program.  Although the program had been scheduled for quite some time, it was certainly 
a propos considering the news about Roseanne Barr's termination for her reprehensible, racist tweeting.  

None of the content of the program was surprising but it was illuminating to hear from the numerous panelists.

"The more things change, the more they stay the same."

The article below is from Sue's News from 2014:

                                 SHOPPING WHILE BLACK

My friend Charlene Dalton recently posted the following piece on Facebook:

This is just me, but I don't give my money, or my husband's hard-earned money to any establishment that I KNOW does not hire African-Americans, has a prejudice/stereotype view of African-Americans, or have shown me personally that they're not capable of treating me with respect or dignity. Now saying this, I know people can put on fake smiles while serving me, and that's alright as long as they smile while taking my money. But I have been in establishments where:

1. the clerk refused to touch my hand while giving me change.
2. where my husband and I had to wait for service for an unusually long time (we left and never returned.)
3. filled out a job application at a place, was not given a "call-back", only to have the regional manager call a month later (after I was employed at another woman's retail establishment), and she had found my application balled-up in the back of a filing cabinet. She apologized profusely, asked me to work for them, at double the rate I was currently being paid, which I kindly refused. I never spent a dime at that establishment, and they eventually closed down.

I have worked in retail where white sales women purposely ran the other way when an African-American or Indian person came into the store, which only helped my sales to SKYROCKET! I have seen ignorance, and fear on every level.

What's the point in sharing this with you? ECONOMIC POWER SPEAKS! That old saying "Hit them where it hurts." works. I KNOW that the African-American community has great wealth and wealth potential. Maybe, just maybe, we should use our economic power to cause change. Money "talks" and maybe now is the time to start "TALKING"!

__________________________________________________

Reading Charlene's message, I was reminded of a time when three other women and I went to Detroit to inspect product which had been recalled. Two of the women were Caucasian and one was African-American. One day, after work, we went to a local WalMart because we needed supplies for work and the women wanted to pick up some personal items.

I had the Company credit card and as I finished the transaction I noticed that one of the women was in a heated discussion at a check-out. The other two women were standing waiting at the end of the aisle. I asked, "What is the problem?" and I learned that the clerk was asking for identification from the woman in line--the African American--but had not asked for identification from the other two.

Of course I had not been asked for identification and I had made a large purchase. I asked to see the Manager and when I did not receive what I considered a satisfactory response, the two women and I went to customer service and returned our purchases. I demanded the Regional Manager's name and when we returned to the motel, I called to complain and I wrote a complaint letter which all four of us signed. We went to K-Mart where we were treated correctly.

There are so many documented cases of unfair treatment from law enforcement toward African-American drivers--especially males--that there is an acronym for it: DWB (DRIVING WHILE BLACK). Eric Holder, our Attorney General, recently shared humiliating experiences he'd had. See the link to The Huffington Post which features an article from a mother who states that all parents must teach their children--especially sons--"The Lesson" of how to act when confronted by law

DAGWOOD

I used the term "Dagwood Sandwich" recently and a young friend had never heard the term; I didn't even know if Dagwood and Blondie were still in the "funny papers";  yes, I learned that  Blondie is still syndicated.

Gerald said, "You have to be old to know the Bumsteads."

Naturally, that caused a flurry of "YOU KNOW IF YOU'RE OLD" examples.  The following list was compiled after a survey of family and friends:

PARTY LINES
BUTCH WAX
S AND H GREEN STAMPS
DRIVE-INS
TINKER TOYS
CANDY CIGARETTES
RESTAURANTS WITH TABLESIDE JUKEBOXES
PEASHOOTERS
KUKLA, FRAN, AND OLLIE
ROLLER SKATE KEYS
WATCHING ANNETTE GROW
WAX COKE-SHAPED BOTTLES WITH COLORED SUGAR WATER INSIDE
LINCOLN LOGS
PHONOGRAPHS
HI-FI SETS
45-RPM RECORDS (78 AND 33 1/3 TOO)
METAL ICE CUBE TRAYS WITH LEVERS
FULLER BRUSH MAN
THE TWIST, MASHED POTATO, AND LOCOMOTION
ERECTOR SETS
HOWDY DOODY
MIMEOGRAPH
POP DISPENSED IN GLASS BOTTLES
HOME MILK DELIVERY IN GLASS BOTTLES WITH CARDBOARD STOPPERS
NEWSREELS BEFORE MOVIES
REEL-TO-REEL TAPE RECORDERS
BLUE FLASH BULBS
HULA HOOP CONTESTS
BLACKJACK, TEABERRY, AND CLOVE CHEWING GUM

BOTTLE BOMBS

From Mona Lisa:

Kids are putting Drano, aluminum, and a little water in soda bottles and capping it up and leaving them on lawns. When a person picks up the trash, and the bottle is shaken just a little, in about 30 seconds or less it builds up a gas and explodes with enough force to remove some of one's extremities. The liquid that comes out is boiling hot as well.

Don't pick up any plastic bottles that may be lying in your yards or in the gutter, etc. Pay attention to this. A plastic bottle with a cap. A little Drano. A little water. A small piece of aluminum. Disturb it by moving it; and BOOM! No fingers left and other serious damage to your face, eyes, etc.

People are finding these "bombs" in mailboxes and in their yards, just waiting for one to pick it up intending to put it in the trash. It takes about 30 seconds to blow after the bomb is moved.

MEMORIAL DAY

Memorial Day, originally called Decoration Day, is a day of remembrance for those who have died in our nation's service.  

It was officially proclaimed on May 5, 1868, by General John Logan, National Commander of The Grand Army Of The Republic, and was first observed on May 30, 1868, when flowers were placed on the graves of Union and Confederate soldiers at Arlington National Cemetery.

There are many stories as to its actual beginnings, with more than two dozen cities and towns laying claim to being the birthplace of Memorial Day. There is also evidence that organized groups of women in the South were decorating graves before the end of the Civil War. While Waterloo, New York, was officially declared the birthplace of Memorial Day by President Lyndon Johnson in May, 1966, it's difficult to prove conclusively the origins of the day. It is more likely that it had many separate beginnings; each of those towns and every planned or spontaneous gathering of people to honor the war dead in the 1860s, tapped into the general human need to honor our dead, each contributed honorably to the growing movement that culminated in General Logan giving his official proclamation in 1868.  It is not important who was the very first; what is important is that Memorial Day was established. Memorial Day is not about division. It is about reconciliation; it is about coming together to honor those who gave their all.

The first state to officially recognize the holiday was New York in 1873. By 1890 it was recognized by all of the northern states. The South refused to acknowledge the day, honoring their dead on separate days until after World War I (when the observance changed from honoring just those who died fighting in the Civil War to honoring Americans who died fighting in any war). It is now celebrated in almost every state of the Union on the last Monday in May (passed by Congress with the National Holiday Act of 1971 to ensure a three day weekend for Federal holidays), though several southern states have an additional separate day for honoring the Confederate war dead: January 19 in Texas, April 26 in Alabama, Florida, Georgia, and Mississippi; May 10 in South Carolina; and June 3 (Jefferson Davis' birthday) in Louisiana and Tennessee.

Traditional observance of Memorial Day has diminished over the years. Many Americans have forgotten the meaning and traditions of Memorial Day. At many cemeteries, the graves of the fallen are increasingly ignored or neglected. Most people no longer remember the proper flag etiquette for the day. While there are towns and cities that still hold Memorial Day parades, many have not held a parade in decades. Some people think the day is for honoring any and all dead, and not just those fallen in service to our country.

There are a few notable exceptions. Since the late 1950s, on the Thursday before Memorial Day, the 1,200 soldiers of the 3rd U.S. Infantry place small American flags at each of the more than 260,000 gravestones at Arlington National Cemetery. They then patrol 24 hours a day during the weekend to ensure that each flag remains standing. In 2004, Washington D.C. held its first Memorial Day parade in more than 60 years.

To help re-educate and remind Americans of the true meaning of Memorial Day, the "National Moment of Remembrance" resolution was passed in December, 2000, which states that at 3 p.m. local time, for all Americans: "To voluntarily and informally observe in their own way a moment of remembrance and respect, pausing from whatever they are doing for a moment of silence or listening to Taps.

The Moment of Remembrance is a step in the right direction in returning the meaning back to the day. What is needed is a full return to the original day of observance. Set aside one day out of the year for the nation to get together to remember, reflect and honor those who have given their all in service to their country.

But what may be needed to return the solemn, and even sacred, spirit back to Memorial Day is for a return to its traditional day of observance. Many feel that when Congress made the day into a three-day weekend (in with the National Holiday Act of 1971), it made it all the easier for people to be distracted from the spirit and meaning of the day. As the VFW stated in its 2002 Memorial Day address: "Changing the date merely to create three-day weekends has undermined the very meaning of the day. No doubt, this has contributed greatly to the general public's nonchalant observance of Memorial Day."

On January 19, 1999, Senator Inouye introduced Senate Bill 189 in the Senate which proposes to restore the traditional day of observance of Memorial Day back to May 30 instead of "the last Monday in May". On April 19, 1999, Representative Gibbons introduced the bill to the House (H.R. 1474). The bills were referred the Committee on the Judiciary and the Committee on Government Reform. To date, there has been no further development on the bills.

WHAT'S YOUR COUNTY?

When I began my genealogical research, I began asking people with Irish surnames from which County their families originated. I thought it would be interesting to find other descendents from County Tyrone, Northern Ireland. My brother Norman actually met someone who knew where Ballygally, County Tyrone, Northern Ireland is!


I quit asking that question when I asked a co-worker named Rick Duffy what county his family came from and he answered, "I think it was Clark."

VIVE LA DIFFERENCE

    REASONS THAT MEN ARE HAPPIER THAN WOMEN

 MEN CAN PLAY WITH TOYS ALL THEIR LIVES

                                              

 MEN CAN WEAR SHORTS NO MATTER HOW THEIR LEGS LOOK

MEN HAVE ONE WALLET

MEN CAN DECIDE WHETHER TO GROW A MUSTACHE

MEN CAN "DO: THEIR NAILS USING A POCKET KNIFE

MEN HAVE THE WHOLE GARAGE TO THEMSELVES

MEN NEVER HAVE TO CHANGE THEIR LAST NAME

MEN HAVE ONLY TO SHAVE THEIR FACES AND NECKS

MEN CAN KEEP THE SAME HAIRSTYLE FOR YEARS--EVEN DECADES

MEN CAN GO ON VACATION FOR A WEEK AND PACK ONLY ONE SUITCASE

MEN CAN OPEN ALL THEIR JARS

MEN DON'T HAVE ZIPPERS IN THE BACK OR ON THE SIDE

I have never seen a woman SPIT! Do men produce more saliva than women?

The "re-arranging" of private parts. I must say that I have never seen my brothers or husband do this, but I have seen it by men at work and in public.

Things one would never hear from a woman:

"What can I do you for?"
"Working hard--or hardly working?"

In line in stores, when guys see other guys whom they know, one will say, "Are you going to pay for mine too?"

Do guys have problems with small talk?

I have always said that the best thing about being a woman is that we aren't expected to be pallbearers but after seeing the niece of a sister-in-law being a pallbearer, I guess we have total equality.

"RATHER LIKE A DATE"

A young family member asked what we are doing tonight and I said that I had received a gift certificate to Olive Garden and that Gerald and I are having a "date night". She said that she was incredulous; that she'd never heard of married people having dates. When I told her it was quite common, she laughed and asked, "Whatta ya do?" I answered, "We get dressed up and go out and have a good time." She asked, "Like what? Go to a movie?" I said that we were going to a movie. She asked, "You mean you actually get dressed up?" I replied that I had a new outfit and that Gerald would be wearing slacks, dress shirt, and a sports coat. She asked, "Doncha feel out of place with everybody else not dressed up?" I told her, "No, I figure everybody else will think they should have "dressed up" more!" She told me that she found that train of thought confusing. I told her that when she grew up she would understand.

She asked, "What do you find to talk about after all these years?" I answered, "I'll start out by telling him about a person who thinks we couldn't possibly have anything to talk about after all these years!"  Undeterred by my sarcasm, she asked, "You really mean that you have stuff to talk about?" I answered, "I'll be telling him about the book I'm reading, a funny thing I saw on Facebook, what I ordered on e-bay and I'll be asking HIM about what interests him--you know--rather like a date!"

Finally, still with faint ridicule in her voice, she asked, "And does he kiss you goodnight at the door?" I answered, "Well, honey, this isn't our FIRST date!"

YOU'VE GOT A FRIEND

Responding to the daily requests for political donations, Gerald asked, "Do you think we'll see Carole King again?"  Below is an article from 2011 titled MEETING CAROLE KING:

When Sherrod Brown ran for the U.S. Senate in 2006, I was thrilled to learn that Carole King would be in Wilmington to campaign for him. She was scheduled to be at the Municipal Building and there was a large crowd to meet her. She said that she had first met Sherrod when he was a Congressman and she testified before his House Committee about environmental issues.

She asked the crowd, "I may be a celebrity, but when did I lose my right to have an opinion or to speak?" She continued, "I have one vote too! My celebrity might bring a lot of people into a room, but I recognize it is just a tool but I embrace that!" She said that instead of talking politics in a group, she simply asks people how they are doing and if their lives are going well and from there people can decide what candidate they think can help their families more. She said that was why speaking directly to people always has the greatest impact.

King said that visiting Wilmington mirrored her own life in rural Idaho. She mentioned that both Idaho and Ohio were historically Republican strongholds, but now show signs of Democratic progress. She said, "I came to Wilmington because I love meeting you all and it's a town that resonates with things I care about." She added that she prefers to be with people from rural areas. This from a Jewish girl from Brooklyn!

For the voters who think that their votes don't count, she reminded people that John Kerry lost the election in 2004 by 9 votes per precinct. If we had had just 9 more votes per precinct, especially in Southern Ohio, we would have won that election.

Carole King has sold more than twenty-five million records, won four Grammy Awards, and has been inducted in the Songwriters Hall Of Fame, The Hit Parade Hall Of Fame and of course, the Rock and Roll Hall Of Fame for writing and performing such songs as Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow, A Natural Woman, Take Good Care Of My Baby, Some Kind Of Wonderful, Every Breath I Take, and One Fine Day.  Before becoming a recorded singer in her own right, her songs were recorded by James Taylor, Aretha Franklin, The Beatles, The Byrds, The Monkees, The Chiffons, and The Shirelles. Her album Tapestry holds the record for the longest time an album by a female remained on the Billboard chart (six years) and to be Number One (15 weeks).

I was surprised by her tiny stature as I was taller. She said "I'm now a senior citizen, but I can still rock!" After pleading and cajoling, she finally acquiesced to our begging to hear her sing. She said that she would sing if we all sang along with her. As we joined in, she sang, a cappella, my favorite, You've Got A Friend.

As usual, I was in my "groupie" mode, and she gave me an autograph. Oh, how I wished I'd brought along the albums. As she and I were munching on the hors d'oeuvre, she commented that she'd never tasted one of the cheeses before. I told her it was Mont St. Benoit cheese from Canada and then I said, "It's BATAMT!" She laughed and said she wasn't accustomed to hearing Yiddish in Ohio OR Idaho! 

BONJOUR TRISTESSE

I  recently watched the critically acclaimed film An Education because I am a fan of Peter Sarsgaard.  I was impressed with Carey Mulligan's performance.

In the film, Mulligan's character loves the recordings by Juliette Greco. That made me recall about a friend of mine who was a fan of the author Francoise Sagan so we just had to see the movie Bonjour Tristesse when it was released. We loved the singing of Juliette Greco in the movie and my friend purchased the record.

I called my friend to tell her about the movie and I asked if she still had the Juliette Greco record. She said that it was lost in one of her many moves.  She laughed and said, "How could I have been so silly to think that Sagan was a great writer?" I said, "Hell, we were fourteen--what do you expect--I was just as bad--I thought Taylor Caldwell was good!" 

She said, "I think that's when you got all-Francophile on me, wasn't it?" I answered, "Yes, I had to find out the meaning of Bonjour Tristesse!" She asked, "I forget;  what does it mean?" I answered, in my best whispery Juliette Greco imitation, "Good morning, sadness!" We both screeched with laughter. 

She and I fondly reminisced about our schoolgirl passions and intellectual pretensions.

"THREATENED BY AN OLD WOMAN!"

There were no parking places available near to the place where I was going. Across the street from my destination is a building which houses an insurance agent and a non-profit organization. There are parking places in front of the building and behind the building. All of those spaces were taken. I parked in the rear of the building and got out of my car.

As I got out of my car, the insurance agent was bidding a customer good-bye. The customer was parked beside me. I noticed his looking at my bumper.   The agent asked if I were there for an appointment.   When I answered no he told me, "You can't park here." I asked, "Why not?"  He stated the spaces were for customers or for people who worked there. I told him, very nicely, that I had parked there numerous times in the past, and with a sweeping motion of my arm, gestured that there were plenty of parking places and said, "I doubt that you're THAT busy!" 

He asked, very snidely, "Do you work here?" I answered, equally snottily, "No, do YOU?" He responded, "If you don't work here, you can't park here!" I continued, "You don't OWN the place and you don't have NO TRESPASSING posted, so I can park here!" [Yes, I recognize that a smart-mouth isn't always the wisest course!]

He told me he would have my car towed.

I said, "And I'm going to tell every person I know to boycott you!" He gave a derisive laugh which of course, infuriated me. I said, "You obviously do not know the power of Facebook!" I drove around to the front of the building and there was a parking space then available in front of the building which was a public parking space.

I parked, went inside and picked up a business card and said, "When I put it on the internet I want to be sure to spell your name correctly!" I left, slamming the door behind me.

When I went home and told my brother about it, he said, "You know you shouldn't go through with that threat." I answered, "Nah, I'm not going to follow through but it felt good to say it." Les said, "The poor guy is probably still in shock from being threatened by an old woman!"

DID YOU KNOW?

From Mona Lisa:

Stewardesses - is the longest word typed with only the left hand.

Lollipop - is the longest word typed with only the right hand.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

Dreamt - is the only English word that ends in the letters MT.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

The sentence - The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog - uses every letter of the alphabet.

The words "racecar", "kayak", and "level" are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes). 

There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: abstemious and facetious.

Typewriter is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear,

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.



In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end, because of the rate of reproduction.




Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.


The cruise liner, QE2 moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.


The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.


The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.







There are more chickens than people in the world.










Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.



Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

And...

All the ants in Africa weigh more than ALL the elephants!

SPACEY

One of my employees was known as "Spacey Casie" because she seemed to be not quite-in-tune with everyone else. On the one hand, she was a very attractive, sweet, generous, person but on the other hand, she was quite dense. As her fellow employees commented: "She's not the sharpest knife in the drawer," and "She's one taco short of a combo meal." Her conversations were a stream of non sequiturs.

One day it was brought to my attention that several employees had made cruel remarks to another employee who was disfigured. I gave a special assignment, outside the department, to the offended employee, and I gathered the remaining team members together to explain to them that not only was it unprofessional and downright mean to make remarks to their fellow team member, but it was also illegal as it caused a hostile work environment for her.

After I finished my lecture, I asked if there were any questions or comments and only Casie raised her hand to be recognized and she said, "Yes, I think it's really awful for people to be mean to her and I told her I know how she feels because I have one calf bigger than the other!" I, along with the group, sat in stunned silence as Casie proceeded to lift her pant legs to show us the difference in her calves. The difference was imperceptible from the distance I was from Casie. As if her first comment weren't bad enough, Casey continued, "I'm always embarrassed to wear a short skirt, so I really know how she feels."

No other words were spoken by me as all the team members arose and quietly left the room, all of us certainly dismayed that Casie was that oblivious.

THUNKED!

I love purses but the irony is, I seldom carry one. Weddings, funerals, special events--all dressed up--yes, I'll carry a purse but since they've started using metal detectors at political events, poor Gerald has to carry my ID in his jacket pocket.  When I go shopping, I carry my credit card in the "safe"--my bra--and my phone in a pocket.

I received my first purse when I was 13; it was in some items my sister-in-law had given to me. It was a velvet clutch with a zipper with a loop on the end of the zipper. I felt so grown-up but I had very little to carry in it. I had started experimenting with make-up, much to the consternation of my brothers (typical remark: "What's that shit you got around your eyes?"). I soon had a bottle of Campana make-up, Maybelline mascara, Hazel Bishop lipstick, a compact (which I still have), some Kleenex, and a pen and notebook in my purse.  I didn't know that it was a fashion faux pas to carry a velvet purse for "everyday" use, as it was an "evening bag"; I carried it everywhere.

During the summer when I was 13 my sister-in-law was pregnant and I was staying with her while my brother was working second shift. I don't know what they thought a 13-year old could do to help (maybe boil water?) but he would pick me up in the afternoon and take me to their apartment and then he would take me home at midnight. She had the baby the week before school started.

At that time our local radio station would give away movie tickets to the first person who called in with the correct answer. There were limits on the number of times one could win; thus, I would use a number of aliases. I won a lot of movie tickets and my sister-in-law and I would walk from their apartment on Temple Street to the Chakeres Fayette Theater.

One night we were sitting watching a movie and three young men (probably teenagers) came in and sat down behind us and they started making suggestive remarks to my very-pregnant sister-in-law. Despite my make-up, the remarks were not made to me. I had a short hair-do (which I'd had the beautician cut like Elvis' DA) and as I had not "blossomed", they might have thought I was a boy.

I turned around and hit one of them with my velvet purse which contained that bottle of Campana make-up. As it THUNKED against his head he let out a yelp and the three of them skedaddled. To this day, my sister-in-law tells the story to peals of her own laughter.

LAUREL/YANNY

This is the latest internet conundrum:  which word do you hear being pronounced:  LAUREL or YANNY?

When I first heard it on The View, I distinctly heard "YANNY";  later, listening on The Chew, it sounded like "YAMMY";  now, listening here, it sounds like "YARRY" to me:

WTH?

Only one of the ten people I surveyed heard "Laurel".

BLUE BIRD OF HAPPINESS

My father, my brothers Bode and Gary and my husband Gerald all worked at Pennington Bread.

In the days before the Bakery Thrift Store was created, employees could take home day-old merchandise. To this day I do not like FRESH bread because I was accustomed to day-old bread. I find fresh bread to be doughy and just too yeasty. We could never consume all the

products he brought home so our rabbits and chickens were fattened with days-old bread and pastries. One time Mother looked out the door and saw our pet raccoon RACKY washing a sweet roll. Every once in awhile I will see banana flips and have a yen for one but they actually taste terrible now.

Pennington's distributed Blue Bird Pies which were sold in restaurants. The pans were recycled and the salesmen were responsible for returning the pie pans. The pie pans are 8-inch heavy aluminum pans. When Blue Bird Pies were discontinued, my father brought home a box of pie pans. These are still the best pie pans I have ever used and the only pans I use for pies to eat at home.

Several years ago, I was at Caesar's Creek Flea Market and I heard a vendor telling a woman that the Blue Bird pie pan she was looking at was "at least 90 years old.";  I interjected, "But how do you know that?" He said, "Because I know when the Company was in business." I said, "But that particular pan is from the 1950's." The woman asked, "How do YOU know that?" I explained that my father had worked at Pennington's and that particular pan was new when I was a kid and that I had several different designs of Blue Bird pans I inherited. He had a price of $15.00 on the pan. I said to her, "Call me and I'll sell you a better one for a dollar." The vendor said that he was going to call Security and that he wanted me to leave his area. I said, "Yeah, tell them to come over here and I'll report you for fraud."

Of course, I was kidding about selling the pan because I would never part with any of mine.

When my father died, this clipping was in his wallet:

A MAN LIVED BY THE SIDE OF THE ROAD

... and sold hot dogs.
He was hard of hearing, so he had no radio.
He had trouble with his eyes, so he had no newspaper.

But he sold good hot dogs.

He put up a sign on the highway, telling how good they were.

He stood by the side of the road and cried, "Buy a hot dog, mister." And people bought.

He increased his meat and bun orders and he bought a bigger stove to take care of his trade.

He got his son home from college to help him. But then something happened.

His son said, "Father, haven't you been listening to the radio? There's a big depression on. The International situation is terrible, and the Domestic situation is even worse."

Whereupon, the father thought, "Well, my son has been to college.

He listens to the radio and reads the papers, so he ought to know."

So the father cut down his bun order, took down his advertising signs, and no longer bothered to stand on the highway to sell hot dogs.

His hot dog sales fell almost over night.

"You were right, son," the father said to the boy, "We are certainly in the middle of a great depression."

---Watson Publications.

P.S. Business IS good...ask any Pennington Bread Salesman.

"DOWN THERE"

My mother never liked to use scientific words for "private" body parts. As a youngster, as soon as I learned the "correct" names for the anatomy I would insist on using those words but Mother would always cringe at hearing them and would say, "Do you have to say words like THAT?"One time I said, "Mother, it's much better than saying tallywhacker!" 

One day we were talking about childhood accidents and my brother Kenny told about a medical questionnaire for the service and he said that he wrote that he had a scar on his scrotum from a zipper accident as a little boy. My mother shrieked and said, "You told them you had a scar DOWN THERE?" He laughed and said, "Mom, DOWN THERE just wasn't specific enough for the Air Force."

My sister-in-law took her baby boy to the doctor and asked him to check his tallywacker. The doctor said, "I've heard it called a lot of things, but never that!"

Mother loved Oprah and watched her every day and would always report about what Oprah had to say. I had only seen snippets of Oprah's show but after Mother died, I asked Les to tape Oprah as it was comforting to me to watch Mother's favorite. After Dr. Oz started appearing on the show, the first time I heard Oprah say "V-J-J", I was taking a drink of Coca Cola and I literally did a spit-take, coughing, choking, with liquid coming from my nose, and laughing, I thought, "Oh, that would have made Mother so happy to hear V-J-J for vagina!"

STERTOR

My brother had been having trouble snoring and his doctor recommended his going to a sleep clinic. The doctor's assistant was related to a family member's spouse.  

As he was completing the paperwork with the doctor's assistant, she asked, "Have you remarried?" My brother answered, "No, why do you ask?" She responded, "I just wondered who was hearing you snoring?"

By asking such a personal question, the assistant immediately realized that she had committed a faux pas. She began apologizing profusely and my brother said he laughed and told her that if she didn't work out in that job she could always become a private detective.

At his next appointment the assistant apologized again and he told her that it was OK because he'd told about the exchange several times.

MOTHER'S DAY

My mother was very pretty, but she hated to have her picture taken as do I and as do three of my brothers. I have only three photographs of her. The one shown was taken when she was 21 years old holding my brother Gary. She always laughed when she told me that she was married two years before she became pregnant and she thought she could not have any children; then she had eight children in 21 years. We were loved unconditionally.

Of all of us siblings, Gary looked the most like my mother, with his pretty skin, dark complexion, pretty teeth, black wavy hair and "snapping black eyes" (as my grandmother would say). 

Oh, damn, I look like my father's sister. When I saw my aunt the last time, I turned to my brother and said, "Please tell me I don't look like her!" He answered, "You better start saving for the facelift!"

My mother--I'm going to phrase this politely--had a "prominent nose". One day when my brother Gary was about 10 years old he came home from school and said, "Boy, Mom, I thought you had a big nose until I saw Mrs. Greene's!" Mother said, "Well, I'm glad someone's is bigger than mine and Jimmy Durante's!"

My mother always looked young for her age and as my father was eleven years her senior, she was often mistaken as his daughter. When my father and mother came to my eighth grade graduation, one of my fellow students said, "I didn't know you had an older sister." I answered that I didn't. She then asked, "Who was that girl with your dad?" I answered that it was my mother and she asked, "Wow, she's pretty--what happened to you?"

COGITO ERGO SUM

A small group (Elizabeth, Kris, Dan, Jack, and I) were sitting around talking and the topic of difficult school subjects was mentioned and Dan immediately began telling about when he was in a Geometry class and he couldn't understand it. He ended his monologue by saying. "It was all Greek to me!"

In unison, Jack, Kris and I erupted in laughter and Jack exclaimed, "That's because it WAS Greek!",  Dan asked what was so funny. Jack said, "It was a Greek who created Geometry: Pythagoras." Kris said, "No, it was Euclid; that's why it's Euclidian Geometry."

Jack mused aloud, "I think, therefore I am."
 Kris answered, "But that's NOT Greek, it's Latin!" and then said, " You know, Cogito ergo sum."

I said, "But that was Rene Descartes; that's the Latin translation but it was originally in French: "Je pense donc je suis."

Jack said, "You two are just showing off now."

Dan said, "This is all  still Greek to me too!"

PLEASE LISTEN CAREFULLY

A family member, who is a nurse, sent this to me.

     LISTEN CAREFULLY

A man in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask mumbled to a nurse:

"Nurse, are my testicles black?" The nurse lifted his gown and with one hand lifted his penis and with the other hand lifted his testicles. She looked carefully and said, "Everything is OK, sir."

The man took off his oxygen mask and said, very slowly, "Thanks for that; it was very lovely, but please listen carefully: ARE-MY-TEST-RESULTS-BACK?"

PROPHETIC

As a young woman, I used to ride to work with an older co-worker and every day I would hear about her myriad of problems during the rides to and from work. She suspected that her boyfriend was two-timing her and one day day she said, "Let's go see Rosie after work." I asked who that was and she said, "The fortune teller."

As I say, I'm always up for an "adventure" but I gained more than I expected.

When we went to Rosie's she told me to wait in the kitchen while she performed her "reading" in the living room with my co-worker.  On the table in the kitchen was a chicken inside a cage. In my life, I had never seen such a filthy place. I was afraid to sit down and just stood, trying to eavesdrop on my friend's session.  At my turn, Rosie sat in a chair and assumed what appeared to be a trance.

At that time I had never even had a date in my life, but during my session Rosie told me that I would be very healthy, meet a wonderful man, be happily married, live in two different houses, and that I would have a good life although I would have no children of my own but would be very influential in a number of children's lives.

In the car, we compared stories and Rosie had told my co-worker that her boyfriend was indeed cheating on her. 

I laughed about the predictions, but two months later, I had a blind date with Gerald.

After Gerald and I were married, both he and I were working two jobs to save for the down payment on our house. I worked at Mead and Steele Data Processing and Gerald worked at International Harvester and at my cousin's gas station.

One evening, I was at the gas station waiting for Gerald to close up and he had lost the keys to the station.  We frantically searched everywhere we could think of and Paul, a friend of Gerald's from work, dropped by to visit. Paul said, "I'll call Rosie." I screaked, "The fortune teller!"  Gerald said, "I don't believe in that stuff." Paul went ahead and called Rosie. Rosie said that she could see the keys but they weren't inside the station but they weren't outside the station either. Gerald said, "That's crazy!" Rosie kept describing the location and she said that she could see bottles in boxes.

At that time there was a Coke machine outside the station and there were racks to hold the empty bottles.

Gerald went to look around the Coke machine and he found the keys; the keys were lodged in a metal protrusion on the foundation on the front window of the station, behind the boxes of empty bottles. Gerald had obviously dropped the keys there when he was filling the Coke machine.

They weren't INSIDE the station and they weren't OUTSIDE the station!

Although Rosie was impressive, I never visited her again, although my co-worker did.  The information she received from Rosie propelled her to confront the situation with the cheating boyfriend.

That was 1968--50 years ago--and recently I met my co-worker and I mentioned Rosie.  The co-worker said, "I shoulda listened to Rosie;  instead I married the S.O.B!"

I'M STILL AFRAID OF THE DARK

My friend Bobbi saw an ad in the newspaper for an hypnosis event. It promised cures for a great number of problems including weight loss and smoking cessation. As I am always up for an "adventure", I agreed to go with her to cure my lifelong problem: I'm a grown woman who is afraid of the dark; there's always a light on in my house and there's always a light outside. 

Once my brother Bode was visiting and he was the last one to go to bed; he turned off all of the lights as he had always done in his own home. When I awoke there was no light visible under the door from the hallway and there was no moon visible out the window. I pounded on Gerald to wake up and he turned on a light inside the closet.

When Bobbi told me about the hypnosis event, I told her that although I was willing to try, I'm a skeptic and added, "From that ad I half-expect we'll have world peace."

The event was held in a church basement. One person wanted to stop smoking, one had claustrophobia, another was afraid to fly, but the goal of nearly every attendee was to lose weight. I sheepishly confessed that I was afraid of the dark. The hypnotist began his routine but I could feel no sensation of "going under". We were supposed to keep our eyes closed but I admit I was peeking sidelong glances and I could see the others in the class swaying.

Suddenly the church bells rang and I jumped out of my seat. The hypnotist told me that some people can't/won't be put under hypnosis. All the others in the class remained in their seats and continued swaying as the hypnotist's voice quietly told them, "You're in a deep, deep sleep." In a few minutes he would bring one of them awake and have the person perform some comical act and he would tell them that whatever the problem was, the hypnosis would cure it.

Well, Bobbi didn't lose any weight, we don't have world peace, and I'm still afraid of the dark.

JUDITH LEIBER, R.I.P.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 9, 2016

ALL DRESSED UP WITH NOWHERE TO GO

My friend Gretchen brought a JUDITH LEIBER purse for my birthday. I had told her numerous times that I would love to have a Judith Leiber bag but I never expected to receive one.

It is an exquisite, peau de soie evening clutch bag.  I haven't seen peau de soie used since I bought peau de soie shoes to wear with my wedding gown.

Where, oh where will I go to carry this luxe accessory?

I told her, "Now, I'll have to have a manicure and a new dress;  I'll have to wear heels."  Those wedding day shoes do not match this tony purse.

Later, my brother Les said, "So, you have to have a whole new wardrobe to match the purse?  Where will you go to show-off this wardrobe?  You're gonna be all dressed up with nowhere to go!"

Later, conferring with Gretchen, she assured me that I SHOULD have a whole new ensemble!  It is great to have an enabler for a friend.

I said, "Maybe we'll receive an invitation to an Inaugural Ball;  we did in 2008."

Another friend came to visit, and naturally, I had to show the elegant purse to her.  She also agreed that I needed a new dress and heels to wear and she said, "Oh, you'll be so soignee nobody will know that you're from Washington Court House."

In relating that conversation to my brother, he asked, "Are only French words allowed to describe the BAG?  Just don't be chichi!"