Wednesday, July 21, 2010
I admit that I am a female chauvinist--I like for my money to go to other women, whenever possible--I want a female doctor, dentist, attorney, accountant and commissioned saleswomen!
There was only one female gynecologist in town, thus I felt obligated to go to her. She was a native of India. One day I was there for my annual misery. My feet were in the stirrups when I had a Charley horse. I let out a yelp and she asked what was wrong. I said, "Charley horse, Charley horse!" I got off the examination table and I had the paper sheet stuck to my backside! I expected her to do something and when she didn't, I began pounding the back of my calf with my fist--that's what the coach always did in track--and all the while she stood and just looked at me, while I was bouncing around with a paper sheet trailing from my butt!
Finally, the Charley horse was relieved and I pulled the new paper sheet down on the table, got back on the table, tried to regain my composure and some dignity, and I said, "I've had Charley horses at embarrassing times, but none quite as embarrassing as this!"
Perhaps it was a cultural difference between us and she didn't understand the term "Charley horse", but when she didn't laugh, I knew I needed to have a different gynecologist!
Fortunately, I found Dr. Bullock and we were fine until she became pregnant and left to have the baby, but she recommended Dr. Ayers. I had Dr. Ayers for several years. During one visit, Dr. Ayers informed me that I needed to have a procedure performed and that she wasn't trained to perform it, but she would set up an appointment with her partner Dr. Olson. I gasped, "But he's a man!" She looked at me as if I were crazy. I asked her to schedule me with another woman and she told me that if she herself needed to have the procedure that she would have Dr. Olson do it. I told her I would still rather have another woman. She told me that she wanted the procedure done right away and that she could get me in quickly with Dr. Olson, but she didn't know how soon she could schedule me with another female doctor. She called the desk and asked them to check on the availability of other female doctors. None could accept me for a long time.
I relented and agreed to meet with Dr. Olson. Dr. Olson explained the procedure to me and told me that it would take approximately 45 minutes. In the stirrups, I had my knees tightly together and Dr. Olson told me that I had to relax. I tried to relax but couldn't. He told me to think of something that would relax me. I said, "I could tell some jokes." I heard the nurse groan and say, "Oh, no!" I wondered what that meant, but I was much too nervous to give it much thought. I began telling jokes: I made it through my "Bob jokes" (e.g.: what do you call a guy with no arms and legs who likes to go swimming? BOB!), my "Helen Keller jokes" (e.g.: how did Helen Keller's parents punish her when she was a child? THEY MOVED THE FURNITURE); my "AIDS jokes" (e.g.: what's the most difficult part of having the disease? CONVINCING YOUR PARENTS YOU'RE HAITIAN!), my "Mae West impressions" (e.g.: "OOOH, I USED TO BE SNOW WHITE, BUT I DRIFTED!). O.K, O.K., I know I have sick humor!
Dr. Olson said, "Well, we're finished, that wasn't too bad, was it?" I said that I couldn't believe the forty-five minutes was up. He said, "Now, I'll tell you a joke." The nurse groaned again and said, "See what you've started; now he'll never stop!" Here's his joke:
"What do a healthy puppy and a near-sighted gynecologist have in common?"
A WET NOSE
When Dr. Ayers retired, Dr. Olson became my doctor. Each time I go to see him, he'll open the door and demand a joke! I have an upcoming visit, so I'm desperate for a joke, ALLEN!