I NEVER SAW A PURPLE COW

I miss my sister-in-law Sheila very much. Each Christmas season for years, we would go to downtown Lazarus for a shopping spree. We always made sure to go to the sixth floor because of all the wonderful toys.

One time, when I was thirty, she dared me to sit on Santa's lap which I did. Santa was very accommodating and asked, "What do you want for Christmas, little girl?" I said, with a whimper, "Santa, I never did get that Lionel train I always wanted." Santa didn't miss a beat and answered, "That's because you weren't a good little girl!" I jumped off Santa's lap and he gave me a pat on the tush!

On the same day, "Mr. Tree" was there and there were about twenty kids sitting on the floor and "Mr. Tree" was entertaining."Mr. Tree" started to tell a joke and I blurted out the punch line. "Mr. Tree" said, "Hey, Lady, get outta here and don't step on my punch lines!."

Another time, as we alighted from the escalator, there was an enormous, stuffed, purple bovine creature with horns. The creature was so tall I could walk underneath it. Much to Sheila's embarrassment, I began reciting Ogden Nash's "Purple Cow":

"I never saw a purple cow
I hope I never see one,
But I can tell you this right now:
I'd rather see than be one.

Ah, yes, I wrote "The Purple Cow"
I'm sorry now I wrote it
But I can tell you anyhow
I'll kill you if you quote it!"

As I walked underneath the bovine creature, a little boy asked his mother in awe, "Mommy, what is it?" His mother said, "It's a purple cow." I said, "Nope, it's a STEER." The little boy asked, "Mommy, what's a steer?" The mother turned to me and said, good-humoredly, "You telll him, Smarty Pants!" I said, "Well, you see, this a boy cow who doesn't have any girlfriends." The mother was laughing, shaking her head. Sheila walked over, grabbed my arm and announced, "I can't take her ANYWHERE!"