"WHERE THERE'S A WILL, THERE'S A RELATIVE" AND OTHER SMART-ALECK THINGS I LEARNED FROM MY BROTHERS
You know where to find sympathy? In the dictionary between shit and syphilis.
How much money did your momma let you bring with you? (This said when one is challenged and wants to bet!)
You got your boots on--it's getting deep in here!
Your momma wears marine green and combat boots and follows troop trains with a mattress strapped to her back, yelling "Curb service!"
Yo momma wears combat boots.
Never eat at a place called Mom's, never play poker with a guy named Doc, and never sleep with a woman who has more troubles than you do! (I just learned this was originally from Nelson Algren)
Don't eat the yellow snow!
True friends stab you in the front.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
If you really want to find someone, turn them over to the student-loan people!
Being smart is knowing a tomato is a fruit--being really smart is knowing not to put it in fruit salad.
We never grew up--we just learned how to act in public!
I've been to three county fairs and a chicken-plucking contest and I've never seen anything like this before!
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
And this was put on my refrigerator:
What do you call a woman who has PMS, SAT, and SPC? A bitch who knows everything and can prove it! (Nobody will take "credit" for posting it on my refrigerator, but I sent it out for handwriting analysis and fingerprinting!)
I told ONE dirty joke in my life and it was difficult to live down; today I do not remember the joke, but I do recall the punch line: "He just licked his eyebrow" because during the intervening years, several people have reminded me of the joke and would repeat the punch line to me to embarrass me.
This past weekend, Joyce, a friend I hadn't seen in years, and I were with a group of people and we were reminiscing. Joyce was telling the assembled group that I told the best jokes and she said, "I'll never forget the one you told, but I can only remember the punch line." I had a moment of anxiety as I thought that she was going to repeat THAT punch line, but she repeated a different punch line and she asked me to tell the joke. Fortunately, I remembered that joke. I heard the joke on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson when Roy Rogers was a guest and a young actress told the joke to Roy. It really has to be said aloud to get the full effect, but here goes:
One day Roy Rogers was passing a boot maker's shop and he saw the most beautiful pair of boots he'd ever seen. Roy just had to have those boots and he left the shop, proudly wearing them. On the way home it started to rain and as he was going from the stable to the ranch house, his new boots got muddy. Dale was waiting at the door and she told Roy he had to remove the boots and leave them on the porch. As Dale and Roy were having dinner, they heard a terrible caterwauling sound and Roy looked out the door just in time to see a cougar running away carrying his new boots in his teeth. Roy put on his other boots and jumped on Trigger and took off after that cougar. Roy returned a few hours later and he had that dead cougar strapped across Trigger's back. Roy's once beautiful boots were hanging out of the saddle bag, ripped to shreds.
Dale was at the door and as Roy approached, Dale sang out, "Pardon me, Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?" [Dale's question must be SUNG to the tune of "Pardon me, boy, is that the Chattanooga Choo-choo"!]
Joyce and I both said that we could never hear the song without thinking of the pun!
My friend wrote a blog article recently about STUFF (see "Gifts From Gail" at the right side of my blog) and I'm hopeful it will inspire me to do something with MY STUFF! My house is orderly downstairs, but I have one bedroom upstairs filled with yard sale items--my benefit yard sale was rained out in May--I should have donated everything to my beloved Goodwill, but I had every intention of having another yard sale!
I was channel-surfing and came across a show about "hoarders" and I gasped, because I understand how it could happen. I'm glad I have people visit regularly or I might fall victim to it! I actually wrote down suggestions from the advisors on the show! I have the 3 tubs ready: ones to SAVE, DONATE or THROW AWAY! Where, oh where to start?
We have lived here since May, 1984, and we have storage areas in the attic, the basement, above the workshop and also above two garages. I know what is stored in the attic and basement, because I go there frequently, but I have not set foot in the storage areas above the garages and workshop since 1984, and I remember a few of the things in there, but Gerald tells me all are packed. If I haven't "needed" anything from there since 1984, why the Hell do I still have the STUFF? After the election--and when the weather has cooled--I want to go to the storage areas to see what is there!
I'd like to have a garage sale in the winter and sell STUFF out of the garages, but I know that is an impossibility because there's a reason that all three of our vehicles are outside--the garages are full--I need another location!
I'm thinking of renting a place to have a sale! I've thought of renting a storage unit and having a heater there but Gerald says that's not a good idea--I need a building--so I'll give it some more thought after the election.
In the 1970s, Gerald and I saw our first X-rated movie, "I Am Curious, Yellow" and on the same bill was a spoof of TV commercials called "The Groove Tube". One scene of the latter was a take-off of a Clairol commercial which showed a woman running through a meadow with her beautiful hair flowing in the breeze as a man was running to meet her. In the spoof the man and woman were nude and their body parts were swinging in the breeze.
When I went to work the following Monday, in the locker room, I was regaling the other women with graphic and physical descriptions of the scenes. When we went back to the manufacturing floor, each time I would turn around, one or other of the women would make a swinging motion with her hand to simulate a swinging appendage. Because of the decibel-level of the plant, we had a number of hand signals which we used to communicate.
I noticed the manager on the mezzanine looking down at the horseplay. After about the twentieth time of the demonstrations, I turned around and the manager was standing beside me. He made a swinging gesture with his hand and asked, "Could you tell me about this new hand signal?"
I said, "It means we're ahead of schedule!" He laughed and walked away. Fortunately, the horseplay stopped as they assumed I had received a lecture. At break, in the locker room the other women were eager to know what had transpired between us and I told what had been said. One of the women shrieked, "You said A HEAD?" Until then, I didn't realize I'd used a double entendre! After I had become a supervisor, I learned he'd asked one of the other women what the gestures meant and she had told him what it meant and that he should go embarrass me!
As a person abysmally ignorant of football, it was rather amusing that I was to be the one to write about John Cooper when he became the Head Coach of the O.S.U. football team.
As the Publisher of "Pass The Word", the monthly newsletter of our National Management Association Club, I was required to write a monthly column and cover the speakers at the monthly dinner.
Below is my article: "Agile, Mobile and Hostile":
Being "agile, mobile and hostile," said with a Tennessee twang, are the characteristics necessary for a successful Ohio State football team, according to the new head coach John Cooper as he spoke to over 200 NMA members at the April dinner meeting. "I believe in playing physical football; take the shortest route to the ball, then get there in a bad mood!"
Although Cooper isn't superstitious, he carries a "lucky buckeye" just in case. The buckeye had been tucked away for years in a family cedar chest. When he heard of the O.S.U. opening, he began carrying the buckeye; he kept the buckeye in his pocket all the time he was a candidate for the coaching job. With refreshing candor, he openly admitted actively campaigning for the job: "When the job came open, I wanted it; I made no bones about it; I called everyone I ever knew to put in a good word for me!"
Cooper went on to say, "If the game is close, we're going to win because I'm lucky; I really believe that." He added that the Buckeyes, along with a fine coaching staff and huge fan support, will make a lot of their own luck on the playing field: "I think the coaches are good enough to win three or four games and I think the players are good enough to win four or five games; that means that the fans have to win two games for us - they have to beat LSU and Michigan for us," Cooper quipped.
Cooper was named the top college football coach in the U.S. in 1986 when he led Arizona State to a 10-1-1 record; Cooper has won nearly 70% of his games as head coach. He said that he felt pretty good about being the Head Coach at O.S.U. until he attended a Buckeye Boosters meeting: "The Boosters said they were 100% behind me - win or tie."
Despite the excellent status of his program at Arizona State, Cooper wanted the challenge of a new program at Ohio State. Cooper said that he admired the job done by Bruce: "You don't win nine games for eight consecutive years without knowing something about football; anyplace I've been, 9-3 is pretty good."
Increasing the physical strength of the players is a top priority; he stated that only four members of last year's team were capable of bench-pressing more than 400 pounds compared to 23 on Michigan's team.
A staunch advocate of "redshirting" freshman to give them a year to develop physically and concentrate on academics, his philosophy in dealing with freshmen is simple: "If they're good enough to play, they'll play, if they're not, they won't play."
Cooper stressed that there is definitely a home field advantage; "Ohio Stadium can't be a neutral field; the crowd has got to be involved. I don't want the other team to hear the snap count." He said he noticed a distinct home field advantage when Arizona State traveled to Fayetteville, Arkansas to play Arkansas; "playing Arkansas at Fayetteville is like playing Notre Dame in Rome," he jokingly told the audience.
He plans to concentrate on recruiting in Ohio: "We've got to control recruiting in the state and then we've got to go out of state for some great athletes." Cooper confidently completed his presentation by saying: "There's no question we'll win; it may take a year or two to get the program going to where we want it, but we will win!"
Riding this evening, I exclaimed, "Wow, look at that mackerel sky!" My husband said he'd never heard that term. I pointed to the pink and purplish striations in the clouds and said, "It's supposed to resemble fish scales." I told him it's supposed to be an indicator of rain. I repeated the old couplets:
"mackerel in the sky, three days dry"
"mackerel sky, mackerel sky, never long wet, never long dry"
I asked, "Have you heard of buttermilk sky?" He said that he had. (Of course, I started singing "Ole Buttermilk Sky", from my mother's repetoire.) I said, "Buttermilk sky is the same as mackerel sky." He said, "Well, I've seen a mackerel and I've seen buttermilk and they don't look the same!"
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. 3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. 5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food. 6 Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 7. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 8. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 9. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 10. The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1. Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree. 2. Wrinkles don't hurt. 3. Families are like fudge....mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 4. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. 5. Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside. 6. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:
1. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. 2. Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. 3. When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there. 4. You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. 5. It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. 6. Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. 7. Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1. You believe in Santa Claus. 2. You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3. You are Santa Claus. 4. You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is........Not piddling in your pants. At age 12 success is........Having friends. At age 17 success is........Having a driver's license. At age 35 success is........Having money. At age 50 success is........Having status. At age 70 success is........Having a driver's license. At age 75 success is........Having friends. At age 80 success is........Not piddling in your pants.
My brother Norman loves the Groucho Marx quote, "I don't want to be a member of a club that would have me as a member." There are two different versions of the origin of the quip. One version has Groucho telegraphing the Friars' Club that message; the other version tells about when Groucho's daughter went with a friend to a Hollywood country club; Groucho's daughter was informed that she was not allowed to be there as it was "restricted"; she could not be there because her father was Jewish. That was when Groucho uttered his famous quote. He and other Jews formed their own country club.
Some of my favorite Groucho quotes:
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"I've had a perfectly lovely evening and this wasn't it."
"All people are born alike--except Republicans and Democrats."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing; if you can fake that, you've got it made!"
"These are my principles and if you don't like them, well, I have others."
A friend of mine wrote on facebook about disgusting sights at the fair. She didn't like to see toddlers running around in JUST their diapers!
I was sitting in our booth at the fair and a young woman sat down in the booth across from mine and plopped out a breast and began nursing a baby. I thought to myself, "I wonder if she's going to drain both of them?"
I must be old-fashioned. I can recall how Barbara Walters got into hot water for saying something about breast-feeding on an airplane. My mother breast-fed all of us, including my two younger brothers, but I never saw her breast; she always covered over with a "receiving blanket". I know it's "natural" to breast feed, but it's also "natural" to yawn, but I cover my mouth!
I volunteered for the Suicide Prevention Hotline. I received eight weeks of training and then I had to be interviewed by the psychiatrist Dr. Marx before dealing with actual people. When I met Dr. Marx, after our introductions, I asked if he were related to Zeppo or Karl. He laughed and said, "That was good; people usually ask if I'm related to Groucho." I laughed and said, "Too common!" Dr. Marx said, "I hear that you are uncommon!" I told him I liked to think so.
Dr. Marx asked me a great number of questions with standard ones such as why I would like to be a volunteer [I learned later that the Hotline attracted crazy people sometimes!]. Dr. Marx was sitting on the edge of his chair, looking in my eyes very intently and then he asked, "What's the worst thing anybody could ever say about you?" I didn't hesitate a moment and said, "If someone said I were lazy!" Dr. Marx almost fell off the edge of his chair, but put his hand flat on the floor to prevent his fall. He was laughing. I asked why it was amusing and he said, "I've been a psychiatrist for 20 years and I've asked that question of hundreds of women, but I never heard that answer before!" I asked what women usually said and he answered that they would be upset if someone said they were a slut or other terms such as that. I said, "Oh, that's sex--that's so unimportant!"
A volunteer was only supposed to work a year because of burn-out. When my assignment was nearly over and Dr. Marx called me to his office and told me what a wonderful job I'd done and he asked if I could stay another term. I asked, "Couldn't you get anybody else?" He said, "You see, I should have just told you the truth instead of trying blandishments!" I said, "You got me by USING the word blandishments!"
The most interesting case I had: I was working second shift; my session at the Hotline was after work between 12:00am to 4:00 am and most suicides happen after 12:00 am! One night I answered the phone and after a few minutes of discussion I realized that I actually KNEW the person I was talking to and he worked in my department! There was nobody else available to serve him; I had to deal with the awkward situation. Fortunately, I did not have him work for me directly, so I was able to manage the situation. The next night he called again and asked to talk to the "nice lady" but he was told I wasn't there! Of course at work I couldn't betray his confidence but I sure watched out for his behavior!
In my family, whenever one of us uses a phrase that is also a song title, one of us will invariably say, "That would make a good song title." For instance, if I were to say "You're a smooth operator", someone would say, sarcastically, "Hey, that would make a good song title."
Today at Gerald's family reunion, Ziggy and I were talking and he told me how he'd convinced his wife of something and I said, "You're a smooth operator." Of course, I realized that I had used an actual song title and Ziggy realized that I had used a song title and both of us knew the other knew. I said, "That would make a good song title, Ziggy." I had no doubt that he knew it was a song by Sade.
One of Gerald's nieces overheard the conversation (and not realizing that Ziggy and I were just being our usual smart-alecky selves) piped up and said, "It IS a song title--it's a song by Sade." Ziggy looked at me and I looked at him and he stroked his hand over his head--the international sign to denote "it's over someone's head"--and he sighed in exasperation. Another of his nieces said, "It's spelled S-A-D-E but it's pronounced SHAR-DAY!"
Ziggy said, "As IF we didn't know that!"
The remainder of the day Ziggy called me "SHAR" and I called him "DAY"!
I was talking to Patty the other day and I asked what Chuck was doing and she said he was in the "Rec Room" with another guy. I asked, "Don't you remember that's one of the phrases we took out of our vocabulary, because it makes us look old?" I mentioned "Rumpus Room" and "oleo" also.
Today she sent me an e-mail that she should've said Chuck was in his "meth lab" and that would've made her look "cool".
My brother Norman and I were discussing the "PAPERS, PLEASE" abomination of a law in Arizona and Norman asked, "Do you remember the derivation of the word WOP?"
I told him that I didn't recall, and he said that WOP stood for "WITH OUT PAPERS".
Many immigrants, including our family, have endured derogatory ethnic terms, whether it was KIKE, HEBE, MICK, DAGO, FROG, BOHUNK, SPIC and WETBACK.
As the French say: "plus ca change, plus c'est la meme chose": "the more things change, the more they stay the same".
Recently, I was pleased that several younger people told me that they had never heard these derogatory ethnic terms. Maybe there is hope for change in the future!
When I had my accident on January 18, 1995, it was on Thursday and we worked four days a week, 10 hours a day. My usual route was Route 38 to London to Route 42to Marysville. Oftentimes, I would take Lewis Road instead of going through Bloomingburg.
It was so foggy that morning that I could not see another car's taillights until I was nearly at the other car's bumper. That morning I decided to drive Lewis Road rather than continuing on Route 38 as I thought I would have less worry about other vehicles. I was driving very slowly. I became disoriented in the fog and I thought that I was at the intersection of Lewis Road and Bloomingburg-New Holland Road, but I was really at Lewis Road and Route 38. I knew there was a stop sign and I came to a stop when it was visible. As I thought I should go straight, I proceeded, instead of turning left. However, since I was actually at the Lewis Road and Route 38 intersection, I went across Route 38, into a ditch, bounced out, went through a fence and landed in a yard under an outdoor light. When I saw the red reflectors on the fence, I initially thought that I had hit another car in the rear. My air bag did not inflate and I later learned from Chrysler that for the air bag to operate, one must have a direct hit on the bumper and must be going at least 15 miles per hour. I was probably going 5 miles per hour, but my car was heavily damaged.
I had a mobile phone and my first call was to my boss. I told him that I wanted a vacation day as I had had a small accident. I knew that my nose was broken because I felt it when it hit the steering wheel. My thighs were hurting because I hit them against the steering wheel when I obviously tried to go into a fetal position on impact. I didn't know the extent of my other injuries, but I knew I wasn't bleeding from any other areas.
I called the Sheriff's dispatcher and I told the location where I thought I was. The dispatcher asked if I could recline the seat back. My car was practically new and I realized I had never reclined the seat before; when I pulled the lever it threw me back swiftly; it was then that I realized that my back was injured.
Because I'd given the wrong location, it took the Sheriff's department awhile to find me. When they found me, a deputy opened the driver-side door and a dog jumped into the car and was on top of my prone body and began licking my face! I noticed that the deputy's leg was shaking as he stood beside me. By that, I should have realized something was awry!
Until that time, I had acted very calm and in control.
In my state of disbelief, I thought that the dog was a drug dog! I knew it was a German Shepherd and I am afraid of dogs. I began screaming, "Why are you doing this? I've never done anything wrong in my life!" The deputy grabbed for the dog, but the dog jumped to the passenger side and then into the back seat. The deputy tried to grab the dog again and the dog jumped on me again. I was still seat-belted into the seat. The deputy tried to grab the dog again and I kept screaming! I was afraid that the dog was going to bite me! The deputy kept trying to grab the dog and the dog kept jumping around in the car.
Suddenly, I looked up and saw June Coil, my high-school classmate. My first thought was that she was there to help me as she was a nurse, but then I saw that she was wearing a pink bathrobe. I asked, "June, what are you doing here?" She said, "You're in my front yard!" Then she asked the deputy, "Why don't you just open the other car door?" She went to the other side of the car and the deputy opened the door and the dog jumped into her arms. She came around to the other side and said, "Bubba wouldn't hurt you; he's just a baby." Bubba was June's dog--not a drug dog! She told me she would see me at the hospital.
My nose was broken and I had fractured a vertebrae and I almost lost my right ear, because the rear view mirror had come loose, flew back, hit the rear window and came forward, striking my ear. Fortunately, I was wearing a toboggan which covered the top of my ears and kept my ear from being completely sliced! I was in the hospital until Sunday and I went to work on crutches on Monday.
Several months later June told me what had actually happened that morning. In their yard was an invisible in-ground electric dog fence to prevent Bubba from going out of the yard. Whenever Bubba would cross the fence line he would be shocked. My car had landed right on the middle of the fence. When Bubba was on top of me he wouldn't be shocked. When the deputy tried to grab him he jumped to the other side and was being shocked so he tried to get back on top of me.
Then June told me the most horrific thing. They had wakened her to help with the dog, because they were considering SHOOTING the dog because they couldn't get him outside the car. Can you imagine my hysteria if that had happened? A gunshot inside my car? Instead of opening the passenger side door, they were thinking of shooting the dog inside my car!
I will always be grateful that June was home and had the common sense to know the obvious thing to do!
In December, 1973, when the Comet Kohoutek was visible in our sky, Gerald was excited. He even bought tee-shirts with "Kohoutek" emblazoned with rhinestones portraying a comet! I had given him a telescope for his birthday the previous June. Gerald had read that Kohoutek would be at its perihelion on December 28 in the early morning hours. He was on Christmas shutdown and I had taken the week as vacation. He took the top off the Scout and loaded the telescope and a chair into the back of the Scout and we drove into the country where the view would be better. I was dressed for bed in my nightgown and robe, but I cradled the telescope to keep it steady, as we drove outside of town. I looked at the comet but soon lost interest and I fell asleep on the floor of the Scout. I had taken blankets and a pillow and although it was a rather mild winter night, it was still cold. Gerald was sitting, glued to the telescope, and I awoke to the sight of flashing lights. Startled, I bolted upright only to see a Sheriff's deputy approaching the Scout. He asked what we were doing and Gerald invited him to look at the comet. The deputy hopped into the Scout and looked at the comet. He commented about my bedclothes and said that he thought we were a couple "making out". I asked, "In a flannel nightgown?" He laughed and said that we were crazy!
Kohoutek was known as the "comet of the century", but overall, Kohoutek's display was considered a "cosmic letdown" which led to its nickname "Comet Watergate". Because Kohoutek was to most, a disappointment, its name became synonymous with duds! Even though it failed to brighten to expected levels, it was still a delight to Gerald as it was the first comet he saw after receiving his telescope.
We have a collection of Kohoutek memorabilia. Along with the tee-shirts, we have several albums by different artists celebrating the comet. On Journey's debut album was an instrumental entitled "Kohoutek"; On R.E.M.'s album "Fables Of The Reconstruction" was their tribute "Kohoutek"; Yahowha 13's first album was called "Kohoutek"; Argent's album "Nexus" had three songs inspired by Kohoutek: "The Coming Of Kohoutek", "Once Around The Sun" and "Infinite Wanderer"; Bill Carroll had an album entitled "Kohoutek"; on the English group 808 State's album "Don Solaris" is an instrumental titled "Kohoutek"; a bootleg album by Pink Floyd is entitled "In Celebration Of The Comet--The Coming of Kohoutek" and finally, Burl Ives recorded a single called "The Trail Of The Comet Kohoutek".
When Gerald and I were dating, we were driving along and I saw a large patch of Black-Eyed Susans growing along the road. I squealed, "Ooooh, I'd love to have a bouquet of those; they're my favorite flowers!" Gerald pulled over and picked a bunch. As he was crossing the road, a State Trooper pulled up behind the car. He walked beside the car right beside me and asked Gerald, "Do you know it's illegal to pick wildflowers?" Gerald pointed to me and asked, "Now wouldn't you pick Black-Eyed Susans for THAT Black-Eyed Susan?" The Trooper said, "Get out of here, you romantic fool!" That was the last bouquet I ever received!
I've written before about our family saying "P-I-E" ("PRESENTATION IS EVERYTHING") and the fact that my mother wouldn't serve anything to "outsiders" if it didn't look good.
We were having six guests for dinner and I had already bragged to people that I would be serving fresh peach pie for dessert. Norman would be bringing his famous "Caldo Gallego" (a Portuguese soup), Les would be making his fabulous garlic bread and fruit and cheese, but I knew that the "piece de resistance" would be the fresh peach pie.
I had been to the Der Dutchman Restaurant recently and had a piece of their fresh peach pie served with ice cream. I came home and said that I was going to duplicate it. I bought peaches and glaze. My crust looked beautiful. When I bought the peaches, they were a little hard on the outside, but I thought they would ripen in a few days. As I cut open the peaches, they were rotten inside. It was 4:00 PM and dinner was scheduled for 6:00 PM! What to do? I couldn't cancel dinner--Norman had already called me to tell me that he thought that he'd "outdone himself" with the soup. (Hey, we're not humble!)
I asked Gerald to go to Kroger to buy some more peaches; I even reminded him to squeeze them to make sure they were ripe. When he returned, the peaches were hard. I peeled them and used the softest ones for the pie.
Oh, the pie looked beautiful! Even my mother would have exclaimed at its presentation! I hoped that the glaze had softened the peaches. When I cut into the pie, the crunch was unmistakable--the glaze had not softened them--I think it cemented them!
At dinner, everyone had exclaimed about how marvelous the soup and bread were. After dinner, we adjourned to the family room and of course, I was hoping that they were so full they would forget about the pie. At 7:30 PM Norman asked, "When are we having the pie?" I meekly went to the kitchen and served the pie. Everyone was kind and commented how pretty the pie looked and that the "taste" and the crust were good. Damned by faint praise--the worst thing that can happen to a prideful cook!
The idea of letting an engine idle to save fuel may have been true before the advent of fuel-injection. Start-up in nearly all modern vehicles is lean and efficient and the longer the interval between shutdown and start-up, the greater the fuel savings. Engine-off strategies are prevalent in hybrid cars because they improve mileage.
A friend of mine was driving to Kansas to visit family and she stopped at a rest area before getting to St. Louis. Unbeknownst to her at the time, she left her cell phone there. She did not miss the cell phone until she stopped for the night on the other side of St. Louis.
The next day she received a phone call from a young man who had been on his way to Oklahoma to visit a friend and he had stopped at the same rest area and found the phone.
He had scanned the speed dial list and recognized the name of an acquaintance of his from Fayette County. He also recognized Fayette County exchanges (335, 333, 636, etc.)and was fairly certain that the phone belonged to a fellow Fayette Countian!
He dialed the last number called and it was the number of my friend's sister. She was able to tell him to whom the cell phone belonged.
The nice young man delivered the phone to my friend when he and she had both returned home! What are the chances of this happening? Two people from Fayette County, Ohio, going to different destinations, stopping at the same rest area, one finding the phone and the two of them actually KNOWING each other!
Sometimes I am known to do Mae West imitations and have dressed as Miss West for Halloween parties.
Oftentimes when I say a Mae West line people are surprised, because it IS Mae West's quote. One time I uttered the quote, "An ounce of performance is worth pounds of promises," and my boss said, "I like that; I think I'll use it." When I told him it was Mae West's line, he reconsidered.
Miss West (as she is always called) was an amazing force--in a time when other women were never considered to be writers and directors in Hollywood, Miss West did it all!
I especially like Miss West's twists on cliches. Some of my favorite Mae West lines:
"I used to be Snow White but I drifted" "You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough." "When I'm good, I'm very, very good, but when I'm bad, I'm better." "I never worry about diets; the only carrots that interest me are the number that you get in a diamond." "I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing." "I didn't discover curves; I only uncovered them." "I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it." "I never loved another person the way I loved myself." "I only have "yes" men around me; who needs "no" men?" "I like two kinds of men: domestic and imported." "If you don't like my cherries, don't shake my tree." "An ounce of performance is worth pounds of promises." "To err is human, but it feels divine." "Too much of a good thing is wonderful." "He who hesitates is last." "Those who are easily shocked should be shocked more often." "Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly." "Between two evils, I always choose the one I haven't done before." "He who hesitates is a damn fool." "A man in the house is worth two in the street." "A man's kiss is his signature." "A dame that knows the ropes isn't likely to get tied up." "A hard man is good to find." "It's not the men in my life that counts,; it's the life in my men." "So many men, so little time." "I've been things and seen places." "I've been in more laps than a napkin." "It is better to be looked over than to be overlooked." "It takes two to get one in trouble." "Look your best; who said love is blind?" "I see you're a man with ideals. I better be going while you've still got them." "I speak two languages: Body and English." "I'll try anything one; twice if I like it; three times to make sure." "I'm a woman of few words but lots of actions."
It's uncertain whether her most famous line, "Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you glad to see me?'" was spoken in an interview or when and if she first uttered it, but she didn't actually use the line in a movie until the 1978 movie "Sextette" but I know that I had been attributing it to her since I first heard it in the 1960s.
The line, "Come up and see me sometime" was actually said this way to Cary Grant: "Come up sometime; see me." Later she also said, "Come up again anytime."
Raquel Welch told this story on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson: when Raquel and Miss West were scheduled to appear together in the movie "Myra Breckinridge", Raquel went to Miss West's dressing room and she began gushing about how she'd always been a fan, how much she admired Miss West and so on; during all of this, Miss West never uttered a word. Raquel said that she went on and began telling Miss West that she knew that the media liked to manufacture stories of feuds when two women STARS who worked together, but that she herself assured Miss West that she would have no part of it! When Raquel took a breath, Miss West asked, "What did you say your name was again, honey?"
I drove to Plain City yesterday and I wondered HOW I had been able to drive all those years to Marysville for work. I passed the "Flower House" which used to be quite lovely with all of the flowers so beautifully tended; there are still flowers there but now they are scraggly. I recalled the day of my seeing a petite Mennonite woman in the yard and I turned my car into the driveway; I got out and told her how much JOY her flowers gave me every day. She smiled sweetly and we toured her garden and she told me about all of her different flowers and how she had planted them according to size and blooming season. She told me that I could come back later in the year and she would give me seeds but that was in May and I left the job that month and did not return to the area very often. Today, I so wished I had returned to get some seeds from her!
That was a SHOULDA/COULDA/WOULDA moment.
One day I was driving through Bloomingburg and it was spring and I noticed that my grandmother's daffodils were blooming. I stopped and knocked on the door of the current owner of the house and I asked her if I could return in the fall to dig some of the bulbs and of course, I offered to pay her. She told me that I could have some of the bulbs and that I didn't have to pay. I am so glad I returned and got some of the bulbs; I planted them at our first house and this fall I am going to dig them and bring some of them here.
My doctor uses a lab adjacent to his office to process his blood work orders. I had gone there previously and had had no problem. However, the last time, there was a new phlebotomist working. She had punched my arms several times and she said, with some irritation, "You must be a pop drinker!"
I answered, "GUILTY, but what has that to do with anything?" She said, "You should be drinking water--it's hard to draw blood from pop drinkers!"
I said, "The American Red Cross NEVER has any problem drawing my blood as I donate regularly!"
After the fourth time of her trying to find a vein, I stated, "That's enough, I'm going back to see the doctor!" Instead, I took my blood work order to our local hospital where there was no problem drawing my blood.
I received a bill from the original lab! I had been fighting paying that bill for three months! They threatened to turn it over to the Credit Bureau. Last week I presented myself to the Manager of the Lab and learned that the phlebotomist was no longer employed there! When I related my version to the Manager, it was agreed that the bill would be disposed of forthwith.
One day Roy Rogers was passing a boot maker's shop and he saw the most beautiful pair of boots he'd ever seen. Roy just had to have those boots and he left the shop, proudly wearing them. On the way home it started to rain and as he was going from the stable to the ranch house, his new boots got muddy. Dale was waiting at the door and she told Roy he had to remove the boots and leave them on the porch. As Dale and Roy were having dinner, they heard a terrible caterwauling sound and Roy looked out the door just in time to see a cougar running away carrying his new boots in his teeth. Roy put on his other boots and jumped on Trigger and took off after that cougar. Roy returned a few hours later and he had that dead cougar strapped across Trigger's back. Roy's once beautiful boots were hanging out of the saddle bag, ripped to shreds.
When I went to work the following Monday, in the locker room, I was regaling the other women with graphic and physical descriptions of the scenes. When we went back to the manufacturing floor, each time I would turn around, one or other of the women would make a swinging motion with her hand to simulate a swinging appendage. Because of the decibel-level of the plant, we had a number of hand signals which we used to communicate.
Although Cooper isn't superstitious, he carries a "lucky buckeye" just in case. The buckeye had been tucked away for years in a family cedar chest. When he heard of the O.S.U. opening, he began carrying the buckeye; he kept the buckeye in his pocket all the time he was a candidate for the coaching job. With refreshing candor, he openly admitted actively campaigning for the job: "When the job came open, I wanted it; I made no bones about it; I called everyone I ever knew to put in a good word for me!"
Cooper stressed that there is definitely a home field advantage; "Ohio Stadium can't be a neutral field; the crowd has got to be involved. I don't want the other team to hear the snap count." He said he noticed a distinct home field advantage when Arizona State traveled to Fayetteville, Arkansas to play Arkansas; "playing Arkansas at Fayetteville is like playing Notre Dame in Rome," he jokingly told the audience.
I told him that I didn't recall, and he said that WOP stood for "WITH OUT PAPERS".
