I LOVE PETER KRAUSE

I was watching Parenthood, one of my favorite television shows, and Gerald sat down to join me. Les came in just as a scene was showing Krause as his character Adam Braverman, watching as his cancer-stricken wife is teaching their Asperger's Syndrome-inflicted son how to dance. At least four emotions crossed Krause's face in the few seconds he was on screen in the scene. He should receive an Emmy for his performance! Les asked, "Is that a tear I see?" I answered, sheepishly, "Yes, I LOVE Peter Krause!" Gerald sighed, "Yes, I know!" (obviously he has heard me say it previously!) Les said, "I think the last time you bawled in a movie was Field Of Dreams!" I answered, "I read that Peter's mother was a cancer survivor; maybe that's why he's so convincing." (see attachment)

I began watching Parenthood solely because Peter Krause is one of the cast members. It has a sterling cast: Lauren Graham (whom we loved on Gilmore Girls, Bonnie Bedelia, Craig T. Nelson, and Ray Romano.

Peter Krause is a fine actor whom I had long appreciated and was thrilled when he starred in his first series Sports Night which also starred Felicity Huffman and Josh Charles (now on The Good Wife). That series was based on the ESPN sports program of Dan Patrick and Keith Olbermann. Since then, I have watched several series because of Krause's being in them: Six Feet Under, Dirty Sexy Money, and Beastly. Before starring in those series, I noticed Krause, as he was featured on numerous shows such as Carol And Company, Spin City, Party Of Five, and Cybill. In addition to acting, Krause is also a producer and starred in the Broadway revival production of Arthur Miller's After The Fall. He was in Jim Carrey's movie The Truman Show. He is excellent performing in comedy as well as drama.

I'm old enough to be Peter Krause's mother!

CLICK HERE to read:

'Parenthood's' Peter Krause opens up about breast cancer storyline and his personal connection. "My father, we lost to cancer just last February, and just two months prior to that we found out my mother was diagnosed again. It's out there and it's around, so I kindly turned the other way when people were sort of dismissing this storyline as something that's so overdone on TV."

SMALL TOWN

As all my friends and family know, I use every opportunity to "interview" people! While waiting to be served at my cell phone center yesterday, a woman walked in wearing a sweatshirt with "Small Town Tractor and Truck Repair" on the back. I said, "That's a business I've never heard of; where is it located?" She answered, "Across from Halliday Lumber." I asked, "Do you work there?" She said, "I own it." I was immediately impressed that this young woman was in a non-traditional role for women in business. We had a lengthy discussion and I shared with her that I was retired from International Truck and Engine Corporation.

After awhile, I said, "Tell me, Megan, did you name your company after John Mellencamp's song Small Town?" She giggled and said, "Yes, I love that song."

I told her about John (he was John Cougar Mellencamp at the time) appearing in Chillicothe because there was a petition circulated to ask him to come to the small town of Chillicothe, Ohio. It was estimated that 1/5 of the population of Ross County signed the petition. Mellencamp appeared in two FREE concerts there at Shoemaker Center at the Ohio University campus.


SMALL TOWN

Well, I was born in a small town,
And I live in a small town,
Prob'ly die die in a small town,
Oh, those small communities.

All my friends are so small town,
My parents live in the same small town,
My job is so small town,
Provides little opportunity, hey!

Educated in a small town,
Taught to fear Jesus in a small town,
Used to daydream in that small town,
Another born romantic, me.

But I've seen it all in a small town,
Had myself a ball in a small town,
Married an LA Doll and brought her to this small town,
Now she's small town, just like me.

No, I cannot forget where it is I come from,
I cannot forget the people who love me,
Yeah, I can be myself in this small town,
And people let me be just what I want to be.

Got nothing against a big town,
Still hayseed enough to say,
"Look who's in the big town",
Oh, that's good enough for me.

Well, I was born in a small town,
And I can breathe in a small town,
Gonna die in a small town,
Ah, that's prob'ly where they'll bury me.

INDOMITABLE

Whenever I hear the word "indomitable", I always recall someone whom I believe epitomizes the near cliche phrase "indomitable spirit". Years ago I volunteered with the Reading Recovery Program. My assignment was to help first and second graders with reading problems. I was to spend 1/2 hour with each child. It was easy to see that the children had little help or encouragement from home. We would send handmade reading packets home with the children and the parents were supposed to initial that they had listened while the child read. The packets were seldom returned.

One of the children was a burn victim with scars on her entire face, and every other visible part of her body. Of course, I shouldn't, or wouldn't ask her about the scars. Her teacher told me that the child's mother had fallen asleep while smoking; the mother escaped with no injuries but the child suffered those devastating wounds. The grandmother gained custody of the child.

The child was very bright, but she was behind in her reading ability because she had missed so much school due to of the burns and operations. She was very eager to learn and she wouldn't let me turn the pages in the books; the tips of her fingers were missing, but she would lick her finger to be able to turn pages in books. I was truly amazed and inspired by her tenacity.

I had not seen her since she was seven years old, but I often wondered what happened to her. Recently, I saw her in the local store and learned she is one of the Managers.

Of course, I suspected it was she, but felt certain that it was indeed she, when I saw her fingertips as she was busily wrapping a piece of glassware in newspaper; I saw her name tag and I asked, "Weren't you in Mrs. Milstead's class?" I doubted that she would remember me, but she said, "Yes, Mrs. Raypole, I remember you helped with the reading program." She told me she was going to meet her fiance's parents for the first time that weekend and she wanted me to be sure to tell Mrs. Milstead that she now has a baby boy. I immediately sent an e-mail to Mrs. Milstead.

Throughout the years, whenever I would feel sorry for myself, I would always recall her little stubs turning those pages and say to myself to remember her indomitable spirit!

I saw her again today and she told me that Mrs. Milstead had stopped in to see her.

How does a person survive and have such a positive outlook? I don't need any self-help books; I can just consult with her.

TROUSERS

I mentioned to Les that my client says "trousers"; I have always said "slacks". I made the mistake of saying, "I think trousers is one of those words which only old people use." Les leaped immediately and asked, "Then why aren't you using it?"

Les continued, "How about pants?" I said, "I know pants is an old word because I think Barbra's song Sam, You Made The Pants Too Long comes from the 1920's."



Well, it is an OLD song, but it is from 1940. In researching, I learned that it was written as a parody of a hit song of the time, Lawd ,You Made The Night Too Long which, with the title changed to Lord, You Made The Night Too Long, was a hit by Bing Crosby, which I don't think I ever heard until today.

The parody was written by Milton Berle and is probably the only parody which was more popular than the original and has outlived the original song.

MUTUAL ADMIRATION SOCIETY

During Thanksgiving dinner, one of the guests, Lana, said some very complimentary things about me and I responded by saying nice things in return. Of course, I then started singing, "We belong to a mutual admiration society." My nephew Michael said, "That must be from a Broadway musical." Lana said, "Yes, I know it! What is it from?" My niece Tracey said, "The Pirates Of Penzance". I said, "Nah, it's not THAT old!" She answered, "I always say The Pirates Of Penzance for any old musical!" I laughed and said, "You'll be right ONE day!"

I only remembered Teresa Brewer singing it in the 1950s but I don't think she was on Broadway. Lana said she would think of the musical before the end of the day. I said that I would also! I said that I knew it had to be an old musical because my mother used to sing the song when I was a kid. Neither Lana nor I recalled the musical and when I looked it up, I learned it's from the Broadway musical Happy Hunting which starred Ethel Merman. I'm certain I never heard the entire musical, only the song.

THANKSGIVING TETRIS

Reading the URBAN DICTIONARY today, the example is "Thanksgiving Tetris". I yelled at Les, "Do you know what Tetris is?"

"Yeah, it's some kind of video game."

I said, "NOW I get it." Our refrigerator is FULL! I am thankful for the extra refrigerator in the garage!

I seldom eat leftovers, but I look forward to leftovers from Thanksgiving. There isn't much left of the roasted turkey but, because I boiled 1/2 of another turkey to make broth for noodles, I have an extraordinary amount of leftover turkey (turkeys were cheaper than chicken!). I'm going to make turkey croquettes and turkey carcass soup.

November 23: Thanksgiving Tetris

The annual act of rearranging your refrigerator in order to accommodate all of your Thanksgiving leftovers.

Girlfriend: "Ugh, the fridge is completely full of our regular food. I don't know how we're ever going to cram all of these leftovers in here."

Boyfriend: "Looks like it's time for a round of Thanksgiving Tetris! Here, take this milk carton and hand me those yams."

REMEMBER THESE?

This will bring back some memories (to some of us).

Baby doll pajamas - lived in these on hot summer nights.

Manual window crank - when you actually rolled the windows down.

Clotheslines & pins

 Vent windows in cars

YOU KNOW YOU'RE LIVING IN 2012 WHEN....

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)

12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL

Kudos to Kroger florist Terry Barden for his arrangement featuring cranberries in my crystal cornucopia.

FAT CATS

Our cats were all circling around the family room door, with several lolling on the welcome mat, waiting for the appearance of "The Can Opener With Legs" (see BLOG article HERE). All of them (Louise, Puff, Sasha, The Professor, Einstein, Francis, and Spot) have abundant coats, prepared for winter, but Stormy and Polky have also gained considerable weight.

Les said, "I think we should change their names to the Koch Brothers."

I asked why and he said, "Because they are such FAT CATS."

The derogatory term "Fat Cats" used to describe wealthy donors to politicians originated in 1928 by Frank Kent, whose essay "Fat Cats And Free Rides" was published in H.L. Mencken's magazine American Mercury. Kent wrote: "A Fat Cat is a man of large means and no political experience who has reached middle age and success in business and finding no further thrill of satisfaction in the mere piling up of more millions, develops a yearning for some sort of public honor and is willing to pay for it. The machine has what it seeks, public honor, and he has the money the machine needs."

I'M OFF MY GAME TODAY

As all my friends and family know, I am a Queen Of Coupons. In that position, I am respectful of clerks in the stores and fellow shoppers; I pride myself on my own efficiency; I always have all of my coupon-items together; I make sure that my coupons have not expired; double-check that if it's a "buy 2" then I have two, etc. These actions are just common-courtesy.

Today, in a store, I was in line behind a Coupon Witch! She was obviously organized with an impressive loose-leaf binder filled with coupons. I could tell the Couponer had a great deal of pride in her shopping ability. The clerk began to process the fistful of coupons and at least three were expired, several were supposed to be used to purchase two or more of the same product, and one showed on the register as the product not having been purchased. The Couponer had to dig a jar of Planter's Peanuts from the already-bagged items to have it re-checked; the size was incorrect. The Couponer said, breezily, "I'm off my game today; I'm not used to shopping on Monday and I got the kids with me."

I was enjoying the Witch being caught in her duplicity, and, uncharacteristically of me, I refrained from commenting during this episode. The clerk demonstrated considerable tact and after she had patiently finished with the customer, I said to the Couponer, "You should watch Extreme Couponing on The Learning Channel; it shows you how to avoid these pitfalls."

The woman had the chutzpah to repeat her lame excuse by saying, "Oh, I was just off my game today." I said, "That game must be called Cheating Kroger; I would think you'd be embarrassed doing this in front of your children!"

I am glad that there was a cart between us because if looks could kill, I would be a dead woman! The word she used about me rhymed with WITCH!

A FRIEND WHO'S ALWAYS THERE

From LEE RENO

If I could catch a rainbow
I would do it just for you
And share with you its beauty
On the days you're feeling blue

If I could build a mountain
You could call your very own;
A place to find serenity,
A place to be alone.

If I could take your troubles
I would toss them in the sea,
But all these things, I'm finding,
Are impossible for me.

I cannot build a mountain
Or catch a rainbow fair,
But let me be what I know best,
A friend who's always there.

CLANDESTINE

Recently I watched a documentary about the Cuban Missile Crisis of 1962 and I vividly recalled how we were gathered around our television set as President Kennedy addressed the nation.

In his address, President Kennedy used the word "clandestine". He pronounced it CLAN--DUH--STINE instead of CLAN--DES--TUN. Although I was a teenager, I thought I knew the correct pronunciation. I could not believe that MY President had mispronounced a word. Mother said, "He was probably just reading from cue cards and stumbled over it."

I was torn--of course, I wanted to be right--but I didn't want my President to be wrong!

I rushed to our one lone dictionary and it gave only my pronunciation, not his. The next day I went to the library and I checked three different dictionaries! All gave my pronunciation.

After that, every time I would hear the word clandestine, I would recall the President's pronunciation.

After watching the documentary, Les said I should I check all the internet possibilities. I learned that the President's pronunciation is British! (listen by clicking the link below).

I said to Les, "He studied at the London School Of Economics; he probably picked it up there."

Les said, drily, "Just like Madonna and Gwyneth sounding British!"

CLICK HERE TO HEAR THE WORD

WATER VERSUS COKE

WATER

1. 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated.
(Likely applies to half the world population.)

2. In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is mistaken for hunger.

3. Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as 3%.

4. One glass of water will shut down midnight hunger pangs for nearly 100% of the dieters studied according to a study conducted by the University of Washington.

5. Lack of water is the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.

6. Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.

7. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a printed page.

8. Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer.

COKE

1. In many states the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the trunk to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.

2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of Coke and it will be dissolved in two days.

3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and let the "real thing" set for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.

4. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: rub the bumper with a rumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.

5. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.

6. To loosen a rusted bolt: apply a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.

7. To bake a moist ham: empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan, wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.

8. To remove grease from clothes: empty a can of Coke into the load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield.

FOR YOUR INFORMATION:

1. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. It will dissolve a nail in about four days.

2. To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate): the commercial trucks must use a hazardous material placards usually reserved for highly corrosive materials.

3. The distributors of Coke have been using it to clean engines of the trucks for about 20 years.

I'M ONLY A C-CUP!

Yes, I am one who has been guilty of carrying my cell phone in my bra. (see warning below from Facebook)

I went to get my UPGRADE and a new flip phone would cost $179.00, but my new gigantic phone with a bunch of bells and whistles would be $0, after my rebate!

Why? Because the flip phones are being phased out and the new phones are being mass-produced and I can get it for $0!

I won't be carrying the new one in my bra; I'm only a C-cup; the new phone would require an "H" cup!

WSYX ABC 6:
WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! Are you a female who put your cell phone in your bra? New research shows that may cause breast cancer. If you are available to do a story with us tomorrow please call our news desk at 481-6659.

yOU DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THAT

I took my client to his dentist and after the appointment was completed, I went to the desk to get his appointment card for the next visit. The woman behind the desk was busy chatting with another woman sitting behind the desk. I stated, "He's supposed to come back in a week and we would prefer 2:00 PM or later." She made out the appointment card, all the while continuing her conversation with the other woman; she never uttered a word to me as she handed the card to me. The following week when he went to the dentist he was told not to take off his coat because he wasn't in "the system". Obviously, "Chatty Cathy" had not entered the information into their "system". The client was also told that his dental work was not "back from the lab".

I said, "Well, I'll just add these to my collection of The Three Oldest Lies In The World--Updated!" (see BLOG article HERE)

52. You're not in the system
53. It's not back from the Lab

CALIFORNIA

From THE HUFFINGTON POST

If the future happens first in California, the Republican Party has a problem.

The nation's most populous state – home to 1 in 8 Americans – has entered a period of Democratic political control so far-reaching that the dwindling number of Republicans in the Legislature are in danger of becoming mere spectators at the statehouse.

Democrats hold the governorship and every other statewide office. They gained even more ground in Tuesday's elections, picking up at least three congressional seats while votes continue to be counted in two other tight races – in one upset, Democrat Raul Ruiz, a Harvard-educated physician who mobilized a district's growing swath of Hispanic voters, pushed out longtime Republican Rep. Mary Bono Mack.

The party also secured a supermajority in one, and possibly both, chambers in the Legislature.

"Republican leaders should look at California and shudder," says Steve Schmidt, who managed John McCain's 2008 campaign and anchored former Republican Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger's re-election team in 2006. "The two-party system has collapsed."

Republican voter registration has dipped so low – less than 30 percent – that the party's future state candidates will be hobbled from the start.

Republicans searching for a new direction after Mitt Romney's defeat will inevitably examine why President Barack Obama rolled up more than 70 percent of the Hispanic and Asian vote, and 9 of 10 votes among blacks, essential ingredients in his victory. Women also supported Obama over Romney nationally and in California, where they broke for the president by 27 percentage points.

There is no better place to witness how demographic shifts have shaped elections than in California, the home turf of Richard Nixon and Ronald Reagan that just a generation ago was a reliably Republican state in presidential contests.

A surge in immigrants transformed the state, and its voting patterns. The number of Hispanics, blacks and Asians combined has outnumbered whites since 1998 in California, and by 2020 the Hispanic population alone is expected to top that of whites. With Latinos, for example, voter surveys show they've overwhelmingly favored Democratic presidential candidates for decades. Similar shifts are taking place across the nation.

I TOOK A LEFT AT THE DINING ROOM

On the morning news was a story of a car crashing into a house. Fortunately, there weren't any serious injuries as the family was out to dinner. When Les and I see those common news stories, one of us will invariably utter the punch line to an old joke:

A woman crashed her car into a house. The home owner asks, "How did you get in here?"

The driver said, "I took a left at the dining room!"

To see the article, CLICK HERE.

RED PEN POLICE

I enjoy the daily messages from URBAN DICTIONARY and have introduced a number of people to the site.

However, this morning, I received a "forward" of today's message (see below) with a single comment: "AHEM"!

Ahem? Hmmm? Could that message, perchance, suggest that I, myself, am guilty of the infraction of being a member of the "Red Pen Police"?

Despite opinion to the contrary, I DO NOT commit that egregious act! However, I am known to collect such examples and publish them under the heading: "CRINGE: FAYETTE COUNTY TALK".

In the preceding paragraph, I used the word "egregious", although I had promised my brother I would refrain from using it as I admittedly have overused it in the past. Since I've been a good girl for several months, I thought I might be forgiven for using it in a semi-self-deprecating way.

Red Pen Police:
People who preoccupy themselves with correcting the spelling and grammar of others - normally out of some self-esteem issue or desire to prove some value from their otherwise useless thirty-grand education.

VETERAN'S DAY

DOPPELGANGER

How spoiled are we by technology?

I had already packed my laptop computer to take with me and it was in my car.

Les and I were watching Alex Wagner on television and she said to Luke Russert, "You're my Doppelganger." Les asked, "Is that correct usage? Doesn't that mean they look alike?" I said, "Well, literally, in German, a Doppelganger is an apparition, but in common usage it's come to mean a double or a lookalike."

He said, "I'll look it up." I answered, "Oh, the computer is already in the car!"

Les said, wryly, "I think we STILL have a dictionary!"

How spoiled am I by technology when my first instinct was to run to the computer instead of to the trustworthy OED?

JUST WHEN......

Just when I thought that voters had regained their senses by defeating Todd Akin, Richard Mourdock, Joe Walsh, Allen West, Denny Rehberg, and Joe The Plumber, I noticed that the "legally insane" Chicago Judge Cynthia Brim was re-elected to the bench; Thaddeus McCotter from Michigan was returned to the U. S. House of Representatives, and Illinois' Jesse Jackson, Jr. was re-elected.

These unbelievable incumbents who were re-elected come from both political parties.

THE WALL

Interesting statistics from the Vietnam Memorial Wall:

There are 58,267 names now listed on the polished black wall, including those added in 2010.

The names are arranged in the order in which they were taken from us by date and within each date the names are alphabetized.

The first known casualty was Richard B. Fitzgibbon, of North Weymouth, Massachusetts, listed by the U.S. Department of Defense as having been killed on June 8, 1956. His name is listed on the Wall with that of his son, Marine Corps Lance Corporal Richard B. Fitzgibbon III, who was killed on Sept. 7, 1965.

There are three sets of fathers and sons on the Wall.

39,996 on the Wall were just 22 years old or younger.

8,283 were just 19 years old.

The largest age group, 33,103 were 18 years old.

12 soldiers on the Wall were 17 years old.

5 soldiers on the Wall were 16 years old.

One soldier, PFC Dan Bullock was 15 years old.

997 soldiers were killed on their first day in Vietnam.

1,448 soldiers were killed on their last day in Vietnam.

31 sets of brothers are on the Wall.

Thirty one sets of parents lost two of their sons.

54 soldiers attended Thomas Edison High School in Philadelphia.

8 Women are on the Wall: nurses.

244 soldiers were awarded the Medal of Honor during the Vietnam War; 153 of them are on the Wall.

Beallsville, Ohio with a population of 475 lost 6 of her sons.

West Virginia had the highest casualty rate per capita in the nation. There are 711 West Virginians on the Wall.

The Marines of Morenci: they led some of the scrappiest high school football and basketball teams that the little Arizona copper town of Morenci (pop. 5,058) had ever known and cheered. They enjoyed roaring beer busts. In quieter moments, they rode horses along the Coronado Trail, and stalked deer in the Apache National Forest. In the patriotic camaraderie typical of Morenci's mining families, the nine graduates of Morenci High enlisted as a group in the Marine Corps. Their service began on Independence Day, 1966. Only 3 returned home.

The Buddies of Midvale: LeRoy Tafoya, Jimmy Martinez, Tom Gonzales were all boyhood friends and lived on three consecutive streets in Midvale, Utah on Fifth, Sixth and Seventh avenues. They lived only a few yards apart. They played ball at the adjacent sandlot ball field. And they all went to Vietnam. In a span of 16 dark days in late 1967, all three were killed. LeRoy was killed on Wednesday, November 22, the fourth anniversary of John F. Kennedy's assassination. Jimmy died less than 24 hours later on Thanksgiving Day. Tom was shot dead assaulting the enemy on December 7, Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day.

The most casualty deaths for a single day was on January 31, 1968: 245 deaths.

The most casualty deaths for a single month was May, 1968: 2,415 casualties were incurred.

For most Americans who read this they will only see the numbers that the Vietnam War created. To those who survived the war, and to the families of those who did not, we see the faces, we feel the pain that these numbers created. We are, until we too pass away, haunted with these numbers, because they were our friends, fathers, husbands, wives, sons and daughters. There are no noble wars, just noble warriors.

ELECTION 2012

The election of 2012 is over and all the hard work at our campaign headquarters was worth the effort. Our President has been reelected and we share hope for the future of our nation. Senator Sherrod Brown has been reelected, and Elizabeth Warren has been elected in Massachusetts. The Republicans held the House, and the Democrats held the Senate. Now the real work begins as we build a better future.

A MAN'S AGE DETERMINED BY A TRIP TO HOME DEPOT

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house, mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room, etc. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt, or paint. You have on your old work clothes.

You know the outfit: shorts with the hole in the crotch, old tee-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20s:
You stop what you are doing; shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex, add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane, and you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30s:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt and change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone with whom you went to school.

In your 40s:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brut Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking-in than flexing. The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50s:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat; wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Bubba's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, "I Got Worms".

In your 60s:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70s:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes. The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your testicles are hanging out the hole in your crotch.

In your 80s:
Stop what you are doing; start again; then stop again. Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot. Go to WalMart instead and wander around trying to think what you came to find. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

In your 90s and beyond:
What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?

FOOD TIPS 3

FOOD TIPS 2

OBAMULATE

A.Word.A.Day
with Anu Garg

By the time campaigning ends next week, billions of dollars will have been spent to snag it: the job of US President. All those bucks for a position that lasts only four years with a salary of less than half a million dollars a year. But weighing the post by its salary is like saying that Olympic athletes sweat for years just to pocket a few hundred dollars worth of gold. The post of President of the United States carries immense power to make decisions that affect, for better or worse, people around the world. The effects of the actions of a president last for years. Even eponyms (words coined after someone's name) enter the language that reflect their legacy, such as Reaganomics, teddy bear (after Theodore Roosevelt), etc.

This week we feature words that may appear to have been coined after this year's candidates, but they have been in the language even before these candidates were born.

Enjoy these words, and don't forget to vote!

obambulate
MEANING:
verb intr.: To walk about.

A GOOD GRANDFATHER

From CAROL JO ROBINSON

A woman in a supermarket was following a grandfather and his badly-behaved 3-year-old grandson.

It was obvious to her that he had his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, for cookies in the cookie aisle and for fruit, cereal ,and soda in the other aisles. Meanwhile, Grandpa was working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy William, we won't be long; easy, boy."

With another outburst and she heard the grandpa calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror was throwing items out of the cart and Grandpa said again, in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax, Buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman went outside where the grandfather was loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly man, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just kept calm. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandpa, "but, I'm William. The little brat's name is Kevin."

SPREAD THE STUPIDITY

Only in this stupid world do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in this stupid world do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in this stupid world do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in this stupid world do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in this stupid world do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in this stupid world do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why isn’t there cat-flavored dog food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?