Sunday, July 10, 2016
My friend Mona Lisa sent these additional paraprosdokians:
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather; not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Some people are like Slinkies; not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it, so I asked, "Implants?"
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas.
Some people hear voices; some see invisible people; others have no imagination whatsoever.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to Hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Two guys walked into a bar; the third one ducked.
And this one came from my brother Norman:
Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, you will be a mile away and won't be caught.