WHY DOES IT TAKE SO LONG?

With the media coverage of Roy Moore,  I have heard the question, "Why did they wait that long to tell?", with a tone of doubt about the victims' veracity.

So, WHY does it take so long?

A friend of mine was molested by her father and it began as she went into puberty and lasted until she eloped at age seventeen. She ran away from home, lied about her age, and got married in Kentucky.  She never saw her father again and she never allowed her two daughters to ever be around him.  She has two older sisters but she believed that she was the only one abused because that is what her father told her. When my friend's younger sister was 12 years old, she told her sister--my friend--what was happening to her.  My friend called her two older sisters and learned that the same thing had happened to them. All four of them went to confront THEIR mother! WHY didn't they confront the father? WHY didn't they have him arrested? WHY had they ALL kept the secrets? None felt that they could bear the SHAME! The father was a well-known, respected member of the community.  My friend's sister never returned to her parents' home and was reared by my friend and her husband.  The case never went to court;  the sister just left home and lived with her sister for the remaining years until she turned 18;  my friend's parents never tried to get the girl to return home.  That was my generation and the way it was handled.   

That was more than twenty years ago and I am embarrassed to admit that back then, I asked the question, "Why did you wait so long?" When she shared the history with me, she and I were "best friends"and had been friends for more than twenty years;  I was godmother to her children,  we vacationed together, but it took another friend's revealing her abuse for her to "open up" to me--her best friend.  

Although her children would ask why there was no relationship with that set of grandparents, she never revealed to them WHY.  I thought she should, but that was not my decision.  She died four years ago and I recently saw one of her daughters, one of my godchildren, and she said that her mother was not affectionate.  I said, "But YOU are affectionate with your kids, aren't you?"  She missed my point.  I said, "My father was not affectionate;  his parents were not affectionate, but my brothers are affectionate with their kids;  we can change from one generation;  we don't have to be the way our parents were."

Suddenly, my goddaughter asked me, "So, did Mom tell you about the family secret?"  I was taken aback and she said, "I can tell from your reaction that you do know."  She told me that her cousin had told her about it and she asked, "My aunt told her daughter but Mom never told us;  I wonder why."  I said, "She couldn't;  for a number of reasons;  mainly that you would judge her."  She asked, "Did Dad know?"  I told her that he did.  She asked, "Did he judge her?"  I answered, "I think she thought that he rescued her."

Please read tomorrow's blog which is an article from The Huffington Post detailing reasons people do not reveal abuse.