HEAT EXHAUSTION AND HEAT STROKE

Heat Exhaustion and Heat Stroke Overview

Heat exhaustion: This condition often occurs when people exercise (work or play) in a hot, humid place and body fluids are lost through sweating, causing the body to overheat. The person's temperature may be elevated, but not above 104°F.

Heat stroke: This medical condition is life-threatening. The person's cooling system, which is controlled by the brain, stops working and the internal body temperature rises to the point where brain damage or damage to other internal organs may result (temperature may reach 105+°F).

Heat Exhaustion and Heat Stroke Causes

Heat exhaustion is typically caused when people who are not well adjusted to heat exercise in a hot, humid environment.

•At high temperatures, the body cools itself largely through evaporation of sweat.

•When it is very humid, this mechanism does not work properly.

•The body loses a combination of fluids and salts (electrolytes).

•When this is accompanied by an inadequate replacement of fluids, disturbances in the circulation may result that are similar to a mild form of shock.

Heat stroke may often develop rapidly.

•Medical conditions or medications that impair the body's ability to sweat may predispose people to this problem.

•Heat stroke happens in the following two ways:

◦The classic form occurs in people whose cooling mechanisms are impaired.

◦The exertional form occurs in previously healthy people who are undergoing strenuous activity in a hot environment.

•Infants and the elderly are more likely to have this problem, as are those who are taking antihistamines and certain types of medication for high blood pressure or depression.

Heat Exhaustion and Heat Stroke Symptoms

Heat exhaustion symptoms

•Often pale with cool, moist skin

•Sweating profusely

•Muscle cramps or pains

•Feels faint or dizzy

•May complain of headache, weakness, thirst, and nausea

•Core (rectal) temperature elevated-usually more than 100°F-and the pulse rate increased

Heat stroke symptoms

•Unconscious or has a markedly abnormal mental status (dizziness, confusion, hallucinations, or coma)

•Flushed, hot, and dry skin (although it may be moist initially from previous sweating or from attempts to cool the person with water)

•May have slightly elevated blood pressure at first that falls later

•May be hyperventilating

•Rectal (core) temperature of 105°F or more

When to Seek Medical Care

As with all other medical problems, a doctor should be called if you are not sure what is wrong, if you do not know what to do for the problem, or if the person is not responding to what you are doing for them.

•Call a doctor for heat exhaustion if the person is unable to keep fluids down or if their mental status begins to deteriorate. Symptoms of shortness of breath, chest pain, or abdominal pain may indicate that the heat exhaustion is accompanied by more serious medical problems.

•Suspected heat stroke is a true, life-threatening medical emergency. Call for an ambulance and request information as to what to do until the ambulance arrives. A person with suspected heat stroke should always go to the hospital (or call for an ambulance) at once.

For heat exhaustion, a person should go to the hospital if any of the following are present:

•Loss of consciousness, confusion, or delirium

•Chest or abdominal pain

•Inability to drink fluids

•Continuous vomiting

•Temperature more than 104°F

•Temperature that is rising despite attempts to cool the person

•Any person with other serious ongoing medical problems

MORTIFICATION

{ Jennifer Pryor and I talking, before THE happening.



As all of my family and most of my friends know, I had never vomited in my life--so WHERE did it finally occur?

AT THE GOVERNOR'S MANSION--ON A PERSIAN RUG--in view of many people.

If there is anything greater than embarrassment, I guess it's mortification! We had been invited to the Governor's Mansion for a picnic and after eating a hot dog and lemonade, I decided to sit inside the Mansion as it was very hot and humid outside under the tents, when IT happened. I began cleaning up with napkins that I had and Gerald yelled, "Get the DOCENT!" (Just as he would have yelled "Call 9-1-1!" in an emergency!) I pleaded, "PLEASE, don't call the docent!" but it was too late. As the docent and volunteer approached, I actually said, "We need to follow safety precautions for hazardous waste removal." [Hey, you can take the girl out of management, but you can't take the management out of the girl!] Seeing the look of terror on the Docent's face, [she was probably wondering WHAT terrible disease I might have to warrant that warning] it was then that she and the volunteer gladly handed over the towels to me and quickly fetched a metal wastebasket. As they hovered, solicitously, over me, I reassured them that I had never been sick in my life, had never vomited, never missed a day of work, etc. The Docent and volunteer relaxed and brought more towels.

Never having vomited before, I was not prepared for the continuing onslaught--then I realized why they had brought the wastebasket. As I was up-chucking, I was trying to remember the differences between heat exhaustion and heat stroke as we would tell about it every summer at work, as we handed out salt tablets! I realized why Helen was calmly asking questions and checking my heart rate. I'm grateful to Helen and the others who came to check on me, including our wonderful State Representative Ray Pryor and his lovely wife Jennifer!

On the way home, I was so glad that Gail had a wastebasket in her truck! I'm sorry to Gail, Lori, Jessica, Concha, and to all the others who witnessed it. Thanks for all the telephone calls and e-mails checking on me!

But, of course, what I'm really thinking: I'll NEVER be invited again!

CRINGE: EVEN MORE FAYETTE COUNTY TALK

At a function recently, I heard these:

IDEALS instead of IDEAS (Lori and I are going to start keeping count as we hear this so often!)

AF-A-GHAN instead of AFGHAN

LONG-IN-BERGER instead of LONGABERGER!

DROWNDED instead of DROWNED

FUTHER instead of FURTHER

People keep e-mailing these to me; here's the latest bunch to add to CRINGE:

The following are examples of Fayette Countians' tendency to ADD letters and syllables:

ATH-UH-LETE instead of ATHLETE
ATH-UH-LETIC instead of ATHLETIC
PRO-NOUNCI-ATION instead of PRONUNCIATION
MISCHIEV-I-OUS instead of MISCHIEVOUS
SHER-BERT instead of SHERBET
LI-UH-BLE instead of LIBEL
DIA-UH-LATE instead of DILATE
MASON-ARY instead on MASONRY
HEIGHTH instead of HEIGHT
ORIENTATE instead of ORIENT
REAL-UH-TOR instead of REALTOR
TRI-ATH-A-LON instead of TRIATHLON
PROSTRATE instead of PROSTATE
FEB-YOU-WARY instead of FEBRUARY
ORD-UH-NUNCE instead of ORDNANCE (the flip-side: ORDNANCE FOR ORDINANCE)
PRE-EMP-TORY instead of PEREMPTORY
EX-SCAPE instead of ESCAPE
TI-UH-JUANA instead of TIJUANA
ACROSS-ED instead of ACROSS
VO-LUMP-TUOUS instead of VOLUPTUOUS

Others:

LIBARY instead of LIBRARY
SPADE instead of SPAYED and SPADED instead of SPAYED
FLOUNDER instead of FOUNDER
NOTHER instead of OTHER
JIST instead of JUST
DIS instead of JUST
BARBITUATE instead of BARBITURATE
MANNAISE instead of MAYONNAISE
PLUTE instead of POLLUTE
JEWLERY instead of JEWELRY
MIN-UH-TURE instead of MINIATURE
LARNYX instead of LARYNX
BIDNESS instead of BUSINESS
LAMBAST instead of LAMBASTE
POINSETTA instead of POINSETTIA
LEASH instead of LEASE
PERCULATE instead of PERCOLATE
OSTENSIVELY instead of OSTENSIBLY
PERSCRIPTION instead of PRESCRIPTION
PARLAMENT instead of PARLIAMENT
CALVARY instead of CAVALRY and CAVALRY instead of CAVALRY
NUKE-U-LER instead of NUCLEAR (oh, well, they probably think Bush was correct!)
CAUCAPHONY instead of CACOPHONY
REVELENT instead of RELEVANT
MAWV instead of MAUVE (mowv)
TENET instead of TENANT
STOMP instead of STAMP
PROBLY instead of PROBABLY
ZUOLOGY instead of ZOOLOGY
SUPPOSEBLY instead of SUPPOSEDLY
WET instead of WHET
TENDERHOOKS instead of TENTERHOOKS
PRESPIRE instead of PERSPIRE
TACK instead of TACT
YAWLK instead of YOLK
POTTABLE instead of POTABLE
WADN'T instead of WASN'T
STOB instead of STUB
VERBAGE instead of VERBIAGE
SUIT instead of SUITE
AFFADAVID instead of AFFIDAVIT
EXPRESSO instead of ESPRESSO
ANTARTIC instead of ANTARCTIC and ARTIC instead of ARCTIC
CLOSE instead of CLOTHES
FOILAGE instead of FOLIAGE

Phrases:

SOSE instead of SO THAT
KLU KLUX KLAN instead of KU KLUX KLAN
HEINEKEN MANEUVER instyead of HEIMLEICH MANEUVER
IN PARENTHESIS instead of IN PARENTHESES
TO HELL IN A HANDBAG instead of HELL IN A HAND BASKET
CARPOOL TUNNEL SYNDOME instead of CARPAL TUNNEL SYNDROME
PERSNICKETY instead of PERNICKETY
SPITTING IMAGE instead of SPIT AND IMAGE
TAKE FOR GRANITE instead of TAKE FOR GRANTED
BLESSING IN THE SKIES instead of BLESSING IN DISGUISE
CARD SHARK instead of CARD SHARP
BOB WIRE instead of BARBED WIRE
EX CETERA instead of ET CETERA
CHESTER DRAWERS instead of CHEST OF DRAWERS
DOGGY DOG WORLD instead of DOG-EAT-DOG WORLD
FOR ALL INTENSIVE PURPOSES instead of FOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES

MEETING DR. TOM DOOLEY

Oh, to be young and idealistic! In 1960, I was a totally anti-Communist, hawkish, gungo-ho JFK supporter. By 1968, I was a totally anti-war, Eugene McCarthy supporter.

My friend Cammy and I were hopeless hero-worshipers. Our number one hero was, of course, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.; next was Albert Schweitzer. We idealized Thoreau and Gandhi. We devoured all books and articles about our heroes and had no doubt that we would dedicate our lives to some noble purpose. I gave Cammy a bronze-like bust of Schweitzer as her 19th birthday present. I remember that it cost $19.99 at Lazarus and I used part of my graduation present money to buy it! She still has the bust.

Next on our heroes list was Dr. Tom Dooley. When I ask people today about Tom Dooley, they remember the song by The Kingston Trio, but in the 1950's and 1960's Dr. Dooley was a very famous humanitarian and a best-selling author.

He was born in 1927 and as a 27-year-old Navy doctor, "he had been ordered to Indo China after the fall of Dien Bien Phu. In a small international compound, within the totally Communist North Viet Nam, Dr. Dooley built huge refugee camps to care for hundreds of thousands of refugees seeking passage to freedom"; thus, stated the dust jacket from his book, "Deliver Us From Evil" which my friend Cammy had given to me as a present.

In 1960, Cammy had just graduated from high school and had gone to visit her grandmother and Aunt Shorty in Dayton; her mother called and told her that Dr. Dooley was going to lecture in Columbus. Cammy rushed home from Dayton; she called me and I jumped in her red Valiant and we sped to Vets Memorial. We had good seats and Cammy had brought her books and I had brought mine with hope of meeting the great man and having the books autographed.

During the speech, Dr. Dooley told of his mission to help people in Viet Nam and Laos. He also told about his battle with cancer. As he spoke, I wrote this down: "I am not going to quit. I will continue to guide and lead my hospital until my back, my blood and my bones collapse!" Cammy and I were crying and wiping away mascara smudges.

After the lecture, we were able to talk to him and have our books autographed. I remember that he admired Cammy's fountain pen which she had handed to him to autograph her books. He commented about Cammy's inscription in my book and asked what the names meant. As silly girls do, we had given each other pen names: mine was Taylor C. Shirkey and hers was Daphne D. Carman. We had named ourselves after two very famous women writers: Taylor Caldwell and Daphne de Maurier! Only later did we realize we should've adopted names of good writers. I should've been Simone de Bouvier Shirkey!

Yes, he was our hero! He died on January 18, 1961, at age 34. After his death, there was a campaign to have the Vatican begin to have him canonized as a saint! Only later, in 1993, when I read Randy Shilts book "Conduct Unbecoming", did I learn that Dooley had resigned from the Navy in 1956 because of his homosexuality. Of course, that did not diminish him in any way in my estimation, but I'm sure the Catholic Church felt differently! Only in the 1990's, under the Freedom of Information Act, did we learn that he had been a CIA operative. Of course, in 1960, I would have seen that as his patriotic duty.

I still contribute to H.A.L.O., an organization which continues his work with refugees, because it's really difficult for me to give up on my heroes.

HOLIER THAN THOU

We all know people like this: ones who can't stand to have others complimented. These people always respond with negative remarks whenever compliments about others are stated. They act as if hearing compliments about others somehow diminishes them.

My husband's 86-year-old aunt is forever proselytizing with a holier than thou attitude, but lacking a true Christian charitable attitude, she always displays her true, petty self.

Last week, I mentioned to her that I had met a contemporary of hers and I commented, "She's a very pretty lady." The aunt responded immediately, "Well, she MAKES herself that way." Instead of a gracious "Yes, she is", she was compelled to respond in that catty, judgmental manner. Naturally, being the ornery person I am, I kept saying other kind things about the mutual acquaintance. After my complimenting the other woman's singing, piano playing and lovely decor in her home, the aunt replied, "Well, she had definite advantages growing up." MEOW!

But, what did my "egging on" accomplish? It was fun for me to expose the aunt's mean-spirited side, but since I didn't tell her that I knew how mean she is, she probably doesn't realize that she IS mean-spirited. I doubt that introspection is her strong suit. My husband says she's too old to change and that it would be disrespectful of us to correct her. IF she didn't proselytize and present herself as a righteous person, then I would not feel compelled to expose her hypocrisy. For once, I behaved myself and my husband was proud of me because I DID NOT correct her.

My husband told me that I would demonstrate a character flaw in myself if I were to point out the aunt's character flaw. Did I also mention that he is a NICER person than I?

CRINGE - MORE FAYETTE COUNTY TALK

With the recent election, I have several additions to CRINGE: MORE FAYETTE COUNTY TALK:

CANNIDATE instead of CANDIDATE
FEDRAL instead of FEDERAL
ELECTORIAL instead of ELECTORAL
FISICAL instead of FISCAL
UPMOST instead of UTMOST
SUPREMIST instead of SUPREMACIST
PEROGATIVE instead of PREROGATIVE
MUTE instead of MOOT
HIARKY instead of HIERARCHY
INTERPRETATE instead of INTERPRET

WHAT DOES LOVE MEAN?

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-old children: "What does love mean?" The answers they received were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." Terri - age 4
**
"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." Danny - age 7
**
"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss." Emily - age 8
**
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen." Bobby - age 7
**
"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate." Nikka - age 6
**
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday." Noelle - age 7
**
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." Tommy - age 6
**
"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore." Cindy - age 8
**
"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night." Clare - age 6
**
"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken." Elaine - age 5
**
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Brad Pitt." Chris - age 7
**
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." Mary Ann - age 4
**
"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." Lauren - age 4
**
"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." Karen - age 7
**
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross." Mark - age 6
**
"You really shouldn't say "I love you" unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." Jessica - age 8
**
And the final one: author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge.

The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.

Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.

When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."

"The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They simply are the ones who care the most."

GHIZERING

As I have written before, my brother Norman is like the Seinfeld "Soup Nazi", as he thinks his soups are superior to any others. Last year, he and I entered a "Soup Cook-Off" Fundraiser. In the judging, my soup received second place! First place was awarded to "Seafood Bisque". Norman did not win, although, truthfully, his soup was better than mine or the first place winner.

One Saturday, we attended a political rally and the "Seafood Bisque" winner was there. Earlier in the day, she had hosted a brunch for the one of the candidates. I asked how her event fared and she said, "It was very nice; you should have come and brought some SOUP!"

Her rapier wit was hilarious and I told her she added insult to injury! I told her Jews had a word for that and she asked, "What--CHUTZPAH?" I said, "No, GHIZERING--that means you put the knife in and TURN!"

Mel Brooks' definition of chutzpah: a guy who kills his parents and then throws himself on the mercy of the court because he's an orphan! I have heard Mel Brooks use the word "ghizering", but I can't find it in any Yiddish dictionaries; thus I'm unsure of the spelling.

GAZPACHO

I serve homemade salsa quite often in the summer and receive many requests to provide salsa for events.


At one gathering, I noticed that a self-described "cosmopolitan" associate of mine was eating the salsa with a spoon from a cup. I asked if she would like some tortilla chips to go with it and she exclaimed, "This is the most wonderful GAZPACHO I've ever tasted!" Of course I said nothing, but tee-heed to myself! Later, she asked me for the recipe. DILEMMA: what should I put at the top of the recipe card: GAZPACHO or SALSA?

GAZPACHO is a cold Spanish tomato-based raw vegetable soup. To see recepies for GAZPACHO, visit http://www.spain-recipes.com/gazpacho-recipes.html

MY DAY WITH LORIE

When I meet someone new who has interests in common with me, I always say that she's "my NEW best friend". Today, I met "my NEW best friend Lorie" at Aldi's. While looking at the cheeses, Lorie and I began talking and then found we had other areas of mutual interest; when she mentioned that she has already had tomatoes from her garden, I invited her to participate in the upcoming SALSA THROWDOWN. I jotted down her e-mail address and promised I would write.

I was scheduled to assist with a presentation about "Angels Awaiting" later in the day at St. Benignus Church in Greenfield. I decided I needed a "posh frock" (that's from "Fawlty Towers"--the wife in the show always wanted a "posh frock"). I went to Fashion Bug as it was close by; there I was trying to make a decision of which camisole would go best with an outfit, when I turned to see "my NEW best friend Lorie"; she even dug in her purse and gave me a $10.00 coupon! I thought: "Greater love hath.....". I went home and immediately sat down at the computer and wrote a thank-you note.

During our trip to Greenfield, my Angels Awaiting Leader Joann and I commiserated with each other that we would not know anybody there! The reception from Father Mike and the assemblage at the church was heartwarming. After the presentation at the church, who walked up to say hello but "my NEW best friend Lorie"?

Of course, my brother Norman would tell her that my motive for her to be "my NEW best friend" is TOMATOES! I'm guilty! The way I feel about tomatoes is immoral--I lust after them--when I heard she had tomatoes, I knew we had to be friends!

NEVER SAY NO TO A BREATH MINT

Norman said, "Never say "NO" when someone offers you a breath mint."

I was thinking about other times one shouldn't say no.

NEVER SAY NO WHEN:

1. When someone offers you a place in line. Whenever I offer someone the opportunity to go ahead of me in line, I get really PO'd when they say, "Oh, no, that's allright!" Why the Hell would somebody turn down the chance?

2. Les said, "Do you want fries with that?"

3. Les said, "PIE"! You should never turn down pie.

SALSA THROWDOWN

The next SHIRKEY-RAYPOLE EVENT: THE ANNUAL SALSA THROWDOWN (it can't be a COOK-OFF because the salsa is fresh).




Norman believes that his salsa is superior to mine. As soon as there are enough "REAL" tomatoes available to make salsa, I will announce the date of the throwdown.



I THROW DOWN the gauntlet. How many will pick up the challenge?

Anyone wishing to participate should get in contact with me.

SALSA THROWDOWN RULES

1. No entry fee

2. Everyone is eligible to enter EXCEPT Bobby Flay.

3. All salsa must be fresh, not cooked; any recipe can be used.




4. An acceptance of responsibility must be signed by contestants in case of injury to consumers because of heat of the salsa (this is known as the Habanero Clause).

5. To assure contestants' anonymity and to prevent the advantage of "PIE" (PRESENTATION IS EVERYTHING) all entries must be presented in the same kind of containers (I will provide the containers) and be labeled numerically.

6. The panel of judges will be comprised of three salsa aficionados; to guarantee fairness, the judges will be approved by the entrants in an arbitration-like selection process.

7. Voting must be by secret ballot this year.

PETULANCE WARNING: all contestants must affirm that they will behave in a sportsman-like manner. One year, Lori McDonald made her choice and one of the losers refused to share salsa with Lori the remainder of the salsa season!

WHAT IS AN ELDER FLOWER?

Several questions arose about the elderflower, so the following information should help.

Elderberry (Sambucus nigra [Latin]), also called elder flower, is a tree that bears cream-colored flowers followed by dark purple berries in autumn. Elderberry trees are native to Europe, but have been naturalized to the Americas, and have a long history of medicinal use, particularly in England, where it is commonly used to make elderberry wine and pies, and was once referred to as “nature’s medicine chest.”

Elderberry has been traditionally used for to relieve pain, inflammation, water retention, and congestion. All parts of the elderberry tree, including the bark, flowers, and leaves, have been used in herbal medicine. Elderberry leaves are added to topical creams and sitz baths to treat inflammatory disorders, such as arthritis, boils, and eczema. Aged elderberry bark has been used to treat water retention and constipation, and to induce vomiting.

However, it is the flowers and berries of this tree that are most often used medicinally. Elderberries contain flavonoids, which are natural chemical substances that give food their taste and color; they also boost the immune system, and supply the body with antioxidant protection. Elderberry may be effective in treating some diseases related to a depressed immune system, and preliminary studies have shown it may be effective against some viruses, including herpes and the human immunodeficiency virus (HIV).

Elderberry is one of the most effective herbs for preventing and treating upper respiratory infections. Laboratory studies have shown that elderberry reduces excessive sinus mucus secretion, and some studies also suggest that elderberry can help lessen swelling of mucous membranes, improve sinus drainage, and decreased nasal congestion in those with bacterial sinusitis. The combination herbal product Sinupret, which contains elder flowers, has been used successfully to treat bronchitis. There are also commercial syrups and lozenges with elderberry extract available for treatment of cold or flu symptoms.

Elderberry has been shown to be very effective against at least eight strains of flu virus. It contains Sambucus nigra agglutinins (SNAs), which help prevent some types of flu from infecting healthy cells. A clinical trial of elderberry found that it cured 90 percent of flu infections in three days, which was half the time needed for recovery in participants taking a placebo. In Israel, where the study was conducted, elderberry is sold in the form of Sambucol, a patented herbal medicine recommended for treatment of flu symptoms.

Elderberry is also sold in the form of tablets, capsules, tinctures, extracts, and in combination products such as Sinupret. You can also buy dried elder flowers or berries and use them to make medicinal teas—2 teaspoons of dried European elder flowers steeped for 15 minutes in 1 cup of hot water. Fresh elderflowers can also be used to make a topical cream for relief of arthritis—simmer several handfuls of fresh elder flowers in melted petroleum jelly for 40 minutes, and allow this mixture to cool and solidify before applying it to the hands at bedtime.

If you are going to consume elderberry, your best bet is probably to go with a commercially prepared product. Large doses of elderberry juice contain a chemical called sambunigrin, which can induce and can cause uncontrollable diarrhea, and uncooked berries can cause nausea and vomiting, even if they are ripe. Elderberry bark, leaves, seeds, and raw or unripe fruit contains cyanide, and is potentially toxic. However, if you are fortunate enough to know someone who can guide you in identification and foraging, BEG, PLEAD AND CAJOLE them to share the JOY!

ELDERFLOWER FESTIVAL

We celebrated the annual SHIRKEY ELDERFLOWER FESTIVAL Sunday.


My mother would gather elderflowers and we would all gather for the once-yearly delight of fried elderflowers. Since Mother's death, we carry on the tradition. In the past, some people have turned down our invitations, but as Norman states, "Once they taste them, they'll always return!" The taste IS unique and the heavenly aroma of the flowers is a truly exquisite gourmet experience.

It is Norman's job to be the forager and only he can be entrusted to pick the suitable elderflowers. As the day of the event approaches, Norman will have scouted the insecticide-free zones for days and will give a daily report and finally, the eagerly anticipated call will be received: "They're ready!" Then I spring into action to make the calls to tell the devotees that not only are the elderflowers ripe but the time is also ripe! I had already stockpiled oil, confectioners' sugar, orange juice, and paper towels. I chose our scarlet Fiesta plates to dramatize the presentation!

Norman brought the elderflowers to me and I washed them and selected the choice flowers to fry.

Gerald and I bustled around the kitchen, with my frying and his sugaring. [Last year my brother Roger made the mistake of complaining that his TENTH elderflower did not have enough powdered sugar. Norman grabbed it and in his best SOUP NAZI voice declared, "No more for you!"]



My friend Lori said that elderflowers should be served in restaurants, but I told her that, sadly, the elderflower season lasts just a few days.





GLADYS' ELDERFLOWER RECIPE:

Wash elderflowers and place on towel to dry. Heat oil to 375 degrees. With the stem of the elderflower, dip flower into batter until coated. Fry for a few minutes until golden brown. Sprinkle fried elderflower with orange juice and then top with generous portion of powdered sugar. Serve piping hot. Eat all except for the stem!

ELDERFLOWER BATTER

2 teaspoons vanilla
4 cups flour
1/2 cup granulated sugar
4 teaspoons baking powder
8 eggs
2 cups milk

Beat mixture until smooth.

This recipe makes approximately 24 elderflowers, depending on the size of the elderflowers.

CONDONIUM

In 1978, I was waiting at a guard house to be called for a job interview. When I signed in, the name above mine was "Queen Esther Brown". The handwriting was beautiful and even the "Q" was perfectly made as we had learned to write cursive, but so seldom see the "2 looking Q" in writing. I remarked to the guard about the beautiful handwriting and he said, "Yeah, how about THAT name; I bet she's from the south side." I could tell from his snarky comment that she was a black person. I answered, "Well, wherever she's from she has lovely handwriting." I figured he would tell somebody that I was from the "sticks"!

A little later, another person whom the guard knew came in and they began to chat. The guard told him that he was considering retiring and he said that he and the wife were thinking about getting one of those new "CONDONIUMS". Now, in 1978, CONDOMINIUMS were not too common, but even a girl like myself, from the boondocks of Fayette County, knew they were not CONDONIUMS. My dilemma: to correct or not to correct; I did not correct him then.

After the interview, I had to sign out and as I was leaving I said to the guard, "While I was in there I met Queen Esther and she told me she lived in those CONDOMINIUMS you mentioned!" Of course, I hadn't met Queen Esther nor did I ever meet Queen Esther, but after 32 years, I STILL remember her name and handwriting and the shocked look on the guard's face! Whether the shocked look was because of the thought that he might be living close to a black person or he realized he mispronounced condominium, I didn't stay around to learn!

NAMES:

I worked with a guy named PRINCE Hudson (and sadly, his middle name was ALBERT! I came to learn that he was the third generation to have that name!)

Norman worked with MAJOR Blair (not his title, his given name)

I worked with a woman named PRINCESS!

Well, if COUNT Basie, DUKE Ellington, EARL ("FATHA") Hines and my brother DUKE survived with their names, I suppose everyone else can!

WHY YOU SHOULD ALWAYS TELL YOUR PARTNER EVERYTHING

Before I entered management, I was an assembly machine operator working second shift. We were given six minutes at the end of shift for cleanup. One evening, my co-worker Doug and I were rushing to clean up our area before the buzzer rang as I had insisted on completing a unit to be able to count it on our production. I bent over to hold the scoop as he swept the last trash into it. As I was bent over, the second button of my blouse popped open, exposing some cleavage. Doug did a mock-gasp and said, "Oh my God, THEY are real!" I straightened up and quickly buttoned my blouse. I laughed and said, "This will be another interesting story to tell my husband!" Doug said, doubtingly, "Yeah, I bet you won't." I said, "Of course I will; why wouldn't I?"" Every night I always had some "Jeff, Carl or Doug" story to relate to Gerald. Gerald would always ask, "What did your boys do tonight?", because all of the guys were at least ten years younger. The following night, Doug asked, "Did you tell your husband about me seeing your boobs?" I told him that of course I had. He just laughed and he said that he didn't believe me.

A couple of weeks later, Gerald and I were sitting in a restaurant and Doug came over to our table, didn't speak to me, but asked Gerald, "Did she tell you about me seeing the pink bow on her bra?" Gerald laughed and said, "Yeah, she bores me every night with stories about you guys!" Doug said, "I didn't think you told him." I answered, "It's a damned good thing I DID tell him, isn't it?" I invited Doug and his girlfriend to join us and we had a very enjoyable time. His girlfriend said she couldn't believe all the stories Doug told of our shenanigans.

Doug and the guys would oftentimes go to the "local watering hole" after work and of course, I went home. Many times, Doug would call me to get answers to trivia questions that arose at the bar. [I gave Doug a copy of the "Guinness Book" for his birthday; I understand the reason for the creation of the book was because of questions arising in bars!]

One night Doug called and said, "I need to know Superman's real name!" I handed the phone to Gerald who told him "KAL-EL", plus Gerald told him Superman's real parents names: his father "JOR-EL" and his mother "LARA LOR-VAN" (actually that is her full maiden name as "LOR-VAN" is Lara's father's name; on Krypton, women usually lose their full name when married) and of course his Earth parents were "JONATHAN AND MARTHA KENT" ("CLARK" was Martha's maiden name!).

TMI!

JANE

Before I became a management person, I was working with a woman named Jane. She had told me once about playing bridge on Wednesday evenings. We were working second shift and every Wednesday, around 5:00 p.m., we were treated to her histrionic display as she crawled along the wall, clutching at some part of her body, as if in great pain, and she would announce dramatically that she was "deathly ill"! Obviously she was acting, but she wasn't a good actress as all of her co-workers knew she was faking it; we debated which poor actress Jane reminded us of and we decided on Shelly Winters. We had bets on her exact departure time each week.

At break time, I would re-enact Jane's performance. In the locker room, I would crawl along the wall, clutching my stomach and wailing. Somebody told Jane that I had been "making fun" of her and Jane demanded an apology. I laughed at her and gave her a demonstration of her Wednesday performances! I told her that just because management was stupid didn't mean that her co-workers were, because we knew she was rushing home to play bridge at 7:00 p.m. She tried to deny it, but I said, "It is beyond the realm of possibility that a person would get sick EVERY Wednesday at 5:00 p.m. and besides, you told me once about playing bridge on Wednesdays!" She said, "Well, I suppose you'll tell on me." I answered, haughtily, "Why, no, that would be against Union rules!"

When I became a supervisor, she actually tried the same phoniness with me. As she was leaving one Wednesday, I told her that she would be required to bring a doctor's excuse the following day. She told me that she had never had to do that before, because she wasn't missing a whole day. I told her that was NOT what was written in the Plant Rules and although others had foolishly let her slide, I would not. The following day she brought an excuse from a doctor from New Holland (who, it was rumored, would write an excuse without even seeing a patient). I refused to accept the excuse as it was written the day AFTER her supposed "deathly ill" performance. She said, "Well, all the doctors were closed last night!" I told her she should've gone to the hospital as she said she was "deathly ill"!

The next day, I requested that the the Union Steward accompany me to New Holland to see the doctor, and I asked the receptionist for an excuse and $2.00 later I had an excuse without ever having been seen by the doctor. The following day it was posted on the bulletin board that the Company would no longer accept excuses from that doctor! A great number of people were upset with Jane, because they blamed her (instead of me) for causing them to be unable to use that doctor for excuses. My "fait accompli"!

The next Wednesday, Jane stayed at work rather than risk further disciplinary action. Jane bragged to another worker that she had found a "way around the rules" (and the worker told me!). The next Wednesday, Jane brought in a prescription which stated that she could not take the prescribed medicine while working around machinery. Jane made one fatal error: she didn't know that I had three years of Latin in high school and could read prescriptions. I suspected that the part of the prescription about not operating machinery was false, because the doctor's instruction in Latin was to take ONE pill in the morning. She had driven to work to deliver the prescription as her excuse from work. She left for the evening, thinking that the prescription excused her. The next day, HR called the doctor's office to verify the prescription and the part of the prescription about not operating machinery was false. She was fired for falsifying the prescription.

I knew that she would try to damage my car, because that was typical behavior of disgruntled employees. I drove my car home at break and had my brother drive me back to work. My husband picked me up from work that night. I traded cars with my brother one week and with a friend another week. I figured that after two weeks, she was too lazy to keep up with surveillance.

Years later I saw her and she said, "You are a mean bitch." I said, "Yes, but I'm a mean bitch who can read Latin and I never missed a day of work!" I never fired anyone who didn't fire himself/herself!

"YOU HAD A BED?"

You've all had this kind of person in your life--one who constantly brags--almost all of those usually just brag about material possessions, but the worst one of my acquaintances also had no discretion as he bragged about EVERYTHING! One time at work, The Braggart was telling that he and his wife were having problems in their marriage and I said, "I think the reason that Gerald and I get along so well is because we come from the same socio-economic background." The Braggart asked, "That's probably because you were both well-off?" I answered, deadpan, "No--we were both DIRT POOR!" He looked at me with astonishment and pity!

Two of my fellow workers, Doug and Carl, were listening to the exchange and congratulated me on my response; they invited me to join their "Poor-Mouth Club". Each time they would hear The Braggart start to tell one of his stories, they would say, "I was so poor that......" and come up with a different rejoinder. One time The Braggart was telling about his HENREDON bedroom suite and I said, "We were so poor that all of my brothers had to sleep in one bed!" Carl immediately asked, in a whimpering voice, "YOU HAD A BED?" This has become one of my family's favorite sayings and is used quite often.

Recently, I learned that our friends Bob and Connie knew Carl; I related that perfect story. At one of Gerald's birthday celebrations last week, during the dinner table conversation, I mentioned that kids today aren't required to read and write book reports as we were in school. All the dinner guests had stories to tell of when they were students; I told how a friend of mine was accused of plagiarism. Norman told how Mrs. Craig had written on his report, "If this is actually your work, then you should become a writer." Then my friend Judy told about the time she had typed forty pages and the teacher had asked from what magazine she had copied it. Bob immediately asked, "YOU HAD A TYPEWRITER?" Everyone there except Judy knew the "You had a bed?" story and erupted in laughter. Then Judy tried to tell how hers was a used typewriter which brought on more derision: "Was it electric", etc. Poor Judy! I had to call her later to tell her the story.

One time Doug and Carl insisted that I tell The Braggart that I raised Lhasa Apsos, because he was forever bragging about his damned dogs. When I told The Braggart about the fictitious dogs, he said that he'd like to buy one. As I tried to regain my composure, there was Doug to the rescue: "Sue, didn't you tell me that all of the litter was taken?" WHEW! SAVED! I told Doug and Carl that was it-- I wasn't going to lie any more--and they both answered that of course I would because it was so much fun! The problem was, I don't think The Braggart EVER GOT IT--that we were making fun of him!

Carl had the all-time topper: the Braggart was telling about his parents-in-law and their lavish spread of food at a dinner party and that they also served caviar. Doug answered that he was so poor that they had to eat rats. I said we were so poor we ate muskrats. Carl, who REALLY was born in a refugee center after WWII, said, "At the concentration camp, I was so hungry that I had TO CHEW ON ROCKS!" Doug and I agreed we could NEVER top that one!

CRYBABY BRIDGE

At one of our Halloween parties, one of the contests was to tell the best ghost story. One person told about "Crybaby Bridge" and how one can hear the ghost of a baby crying. Our niece Robin wanted to go to Crybaby Bridge; after the party, I said, "Let's go!" although it was after 1:00 a.m. Robin and her two daughters Aron and Angie jumped in the car and we headed to Ghormley Road. Soon a Sheriff's Deputy pulled up behind us with lights flashing. The Deputy came to my car with his flashlight and said, "Tell me you're NOT looking for Crybaby Bridge!" We had to admit that we were. He told us to leave, because the bridge had been torn down.

The same night I drove into a cemetery and showed them strange tombstones: one of a cut-off tree which was a baby's tombstone.

Recently, I learned that we have a Paranormal Society in Fayette County. My friend Mona Lisa has it on her FB page as does our grand-niece Angie. They want to have my house investigated for ghosts! I called our niece Robin to tell her about it.

I took my friend Bobbi to The General Denver Hotel for her birthday celebration. The owner of the hotel gave a presentation about the hotel and its ghosts. Bobbi said that she wanted to go to stay overnight in one of the rooms that's supposedly haunted.

Every Friday and Saturday in October, and November 5 & 6, of 2010, there will be the HAUNTED TOUR OF DOWNTOWN WILMINGTON (see the flyer). Bobbi and I plan to go and we want to stay overnight!

Gerald doesn't participate in such goings-on, but I'm "up" for anything!

DROP-OFF CENTER

Growing up in the country, we were accustomed to having dogs and cats "dropped" on us! We live in town, on a corner lot, with a fence around the property. Les looked out the kitchen window just in time to see a person dropping kittens across the fence!

Now, THAT takes nerve! Please, no more cats! We have eleven: Puff, Spot, Louise, Francis Albert Sinatra (AKA Ole Blue Eye as he has one blue and one green eye!), Snowball, Polka Dot, Sasha Fierce, Topo, Professor, Socks and last, but not least, the most spoiled of all: Stormy!

None of the cats like me but they adore Les and Gerald. I call Gerald "The Can Opener With Legs"! The only time the cats come around me is when I am picking flowers. Gerald said it's because they have "marked" the spots. When I was picking violets this year, Stormy and Puff sprawled out over the flowers! As we have violets all over the yard, I kept moving from spot to spot to pick, but the cats would get right in front of me. Finally, I had to pick up the cats and take them to the garage! Louise jumped in the peonies to try to prevent my picking the flowers! Last week, as I was picking flowers for bouquets for Gerald's birthday parties, the cats were in the rose garden, the day lilies and the snowball bush! I told Gerald I was going to throw the cats in the honeysuckle vines as a defense!

We have a bed of Lilies of the Valley along the side of the garage. For years, the cats have ruined a section because they recline in the plants and kill the flowers. This year, I read to sprinkle cayenne pepper to keep out squirrels from the garden so I tried that in the bed of Lilies of the Valley. The cats have stayed away from the Lilies of the Valley. TRIUMPH!

CURB SIDE SERVICE

We put "stuff" by the curb and Les, Gerald and I bet how long the item will be there before "The Spider People" come to pick it up. We don't know the people or how they know "stuff" is there, but we can't believe how quickly things are taken. They have taken a stove, refrigerator, bicycle, bread maker, televison, and bowling ball as well as assorted furniture. Sometimes we see them in the old truck, but most of the time they are gone so quickly we don't see them!

Last Thursday, we put a non-working sweeper by the curb; that same afternoon Gerald noticed that the sweeper was still there but the cord had been cut and taken! They are getting selective now--they want only the copper wire?

7 SUES

In a recent meeting, I mentioned that I have five friends named Gail/Gayle who are all in the same age range. When I went to school there were also several Gails. The cyclical nature of the choice in names has always been interesting to me. Who would've thought that "Hazel" would be a popular name again? It is probably because of Julia Roberts naming her daughter Hazel. Recently, I reminisced with a woman with whom I'd worked in the 1960's and her name is Hazel. She and I talked about all the "little Hazels" now! She said that she had been named after the comic strip character Hazel!

The impact of celebrities' choices of names for their children is not a recent phenomenon. I read that "Gloria" had never been an actual given name until Gloria Swanson adopted it as her stage name (her original name was "Glory"). I read that Gloria Vanderbilt was named that because of Gloria Swanson! Cheryl was a very popular name when I was born and I read that it was because that was what Lana Turner had named her daughter. I feel sorry for those children of current celebrities with their bizarre given names (Apple, Kal-el, Sage Moonblood, Pax, Suri, Harlow). I hope not many people choose to imitate those celebrities' name choices. However, I do delight in the fact that Demi Moore named her daughter "Scout" after the heroine in "To Kill A Mockingbird". I remember that a local person named her daughter Chassity; the woman was a Cher fan, but didn't know that Cher's baby's name was spelled Chastity!

My name was ALMOST Diana Lynn because my mother had told my brother Bode that he could name the baby if it were a girl (Diana Lynn was a very cute debutante actress at the time), but after FIVE boys, Mother thought she would have another boy; she immediately vetoed "Diana Lynn" and then the grandmothers insisted I should be named for the two of them, but one wanted MARY MARGARET, and the other wanted MARGARET MARY! Fortunately, Mother was adamantly opposed to that! Over the years, every time I have met a female named Diana I always ask her middle name and only once has it been any other name than Lynn. Phyllis Sue was the compromise, because my aunt suggested Phyllis and Mother liked Sue! My mother called me Suzan Jane as a pet name all of my life, because she never liked the name Phyllis! I was always Sue at home.

When I was in first grade, we had seven girls named SUE! Interestingly, it was the MIDDLE name of each one of us and we were ALL called Sue or Suzy at home. Why do parents name a child one thing and call them another?

The first grade teacher, Mrs. McDonald had us draw straws to see which one would be called Sue at school; as I drew one of the short straws, I was called Phyllis throughout school. The one who picked the long straw and was allowed to be Sue at school was RUTH SUE MARIE MASSIE! For crying out loud, she had 3 names; how fair was that?

The seven of us called ourselves the "Sue Club". When any of us "Sue Club" members would see each other we always say Sue! Sadly, only Sandy Sue Evans Matthews and Phyllis Sue Shirkey-Raypole are still alive!

I thought it would be interesting to see the most popular names over the years. According to the Social Security Administration, the most popular baby names for 2009were:

Isabella and Jacob

The most popular names by decades:

2000s: Emily and Jacob
1990s: Ashley and Michael
1980s: Jennifer and Michael
1970s: Jennifer and Michael
1960s: Mary and David
1950s: Linda and John
1940s: Mary and Robert

At BMY, where we had nearly 1,000 employees, seven of my employees were named Sherry/Sherri/Shari/Sharie/Cheri/Cherie and Cheree!

NORMA JEAN: every time I have heard of a female named Norma, her middle name has always been JEAN: from Marilyn Monroe (Norma Jean Baker) to my husband's niece, Norma Jean Raypole! When I mentioned that observation to my friend Patty, she asked, "What about "Norma Rae"?"

THE ANSWERS

CHECK YOUR ANSWERS FROM YESTERDAY:



1. LIKE FATHER, LIKE SON
2. HASTE MAKES WASTE
3. PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN GLASS HOUSES SHOULDN'T THROW STONES
4. BEGGARS CAN'T BE CHOOSERS
5. DON'T COUNT YOUR CHICKENS BEFORE THEY HATCH
6. DON'T CRY OVER SPILLED MILK
7. MAKE HAY WHILE THE SUN SHINES
8. EVEN A CAT CAN LOOK AT A QUEEN
9. BEAUTY IS ONLY SKIN DEEP
10. ABSENCE MAKES THE HEART GROW FONDER
11. ALL THAT GLITTERS IS NOT GOLD
12. HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY
13. EVERY DOG HAS ITS DAY
14. TOGETHER WE STAND; DIVIDED WE FALL
15. YOU CAN'T TELL A BOOK BY ITS COVER
16. FOOLS RUSH IN WHERE ANGELS FEAR TO TREAD
17. WHAT'S SAUCE FOR THE GOOSE IS SAUCE FOR THE GANDER
18. A BIRD IN THE HAND IS WORTH TWO IN THE BUSH
19. THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM
20. BIRDS OF A FEATHER FLOCK TOGETHER
21. YOU CAN LEAD A HORSE TO WATER BUT YOU CAN'T MAKE HIM DRINK
22. DON'T LOOK A GIFT HORSE IN THE MOUTH
23. AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY
24. THE LOVE OF MONEY IS THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL
25. IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED, TRY AGAIN
26. IF THE SHOE FITS, WEAR IT
27. DISCRETION IS THE BETTER PART OF VALOR
28. HE WHO LAUGHS LAST, LAUGHS BEST
29. A WATCHED POT NEVER BOILS
30. A ROLLING STONE GATHERS NO MOSS

SIMILAR SIRE - SIMILAR SCION

My brother Bode gave this list to me sometime in the 1970's. [He thought it might be a cure for my sesquipedalian impulses!] See if you can figure out these familiar sayings:


1. SIMILAR SIRE, SIMILAR SCION (ok: I'll give this one to you: "Like father, like son")

2. PRECIPITANCY CREATES PRODIGALITY

3. TENANTS OF VITREOUS ABODES OUGHT TO HURL NO LITHOIDAL FRAGMENTS

4. IT IS NOT PROPER FOR MENDICANTS TO BE INDICATORS OF PREFERENCES

5. COMPUTE NOT YOUR IMMATURE GALLINACEOUS FOWL PRIOR TO THEIR BEING

6. IT IS FRUITLESS TO BECOME LACHRYMOSE BECAUSE OF SCATTERED LACTEAL FLUID

7. CLEAVE GRAMINEOUS MATTER FOR FODDER DURING THE PERIOD THAT THE ORB OF THE DAY IS REFULGENT

8. A FELINE POSSESSES THE POWER TO CONTEMPLATE A MONARCH

9. PULCHRITUDE DOES NOT EXTEND BELOW THE SURFACE OF THE DERMA

10. FAILURE TO BE PRESENT CASES THE VITAL ORGAN TO BECOME MORE ENAMORED

11. EVERY ARTICLE WHICH CORUSCATES IS NOT FASHIONED FROM AUREATE MATERIAL

12. FREEDOM FROM GUILE OR FRAUD CONSTITUTES THE MOST EXCELLENT PRINCIPLE OF PROCEDURE

13. EACH CANINE PASSES THROUGH HIS PERIOD OF PRE-EMINENCE

14. CONSOLIDATED, YOU AND I MAINTAIN OURSELVES ERECT; SEPARATED WE DEFER TO THE LAW OF GRAVITY

15. YOU CANNOT ESTIMATE THE VALUE OF THE CONTENTS OF BOUND, PRINTED NARRATIVE OR RECORD FROM ITS EXTERIOR VESTURE

16. FOLD DEFICIENT IN ORDINARY JUDGMENT SCURRINGLY ENTER AREAS ON WHICH CELESTIAL BEINGS DREAD TO SET FOOT

17. LIQUID RELISH FOR THE FEMALE ANSERINE FOWL IS THE INDIVIDUAL CONDIMENT FOR THE MALE

18. A FEATHERED CREATURE CLASPED IN THE MANUAL MEMBERS IS EQUAL IN VALUE TO A BRACE IN THE BUSHY GROWTH

19. INDIVIDUAL IN THE CLASS ARES, ARRIVING BEFORE THE APPOINTED TIME, SEIZES THE INVERTEBRATE ANIMAL, THE GROUP VERMES

20. SOCIALLY ORIENTED INDIVIDUALS TEND TO CONGREGATE IN GREGARIOUSLY HOMOGENEOUS GROUPINGS

21. ONE MAY ADDRESS A MEMBER OF THE EQUIDAE FAMILY TOWARD AQUEOUS LIQUID, BUT ONE IS INCAPABLE OF COMPELLING HIM TO QUAFF

22. FOREVER REFRAIN FROM ENUMERATING THE DENTAL PROJECTIONS OF A BEQUEATHED MEMBER OF THE EQUIDAE FAMILY

23. ONE PYRUS MALUS PER DIEM RESTRAINS THE ARRIVAL OF THE HIPPOCRATIC APOSTLE

24. FONDNESS FOR NOTES OF EXCHANGE CONSTITUTES THE TUBEROUS STRUCTURE OF ALL SATANICALLY INSPIRED PRINCIPLES

25. SUPPOSING ONE PRIMARILY FAILS TO BE VICTORIOUS, BEND FURTHER EFFORTS IN THAT DIRECTION

26. BE ADORNED WITH THE PEDAL ENCASEMENT THAT GIVES COMFORT

27. PRUDENCE AND SAGACITY ARE THE WORTHIER CONDIMENTS OF INTREPID COURAGE

28. HE WHO EXPRESSES MERRIMENT IN FINALITY EXPRESSES MERRIMENT EXCELLING EITHER IN EQUAL QUALITY

29. A BEHOLDEN VESSEL NEVER EXCEEDS 212 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT

30. A ROTATING LITHOIDAL FRAGMENT NEVER ACCRUES LICHEN

BE SURE TO CHECK BACK TOMORROW FOR THE ANSWERS - SEE HOW MANY YOU GOT RIGHT!

THE FACTS OF LIFE

When I was growing up, my mother and I never had a discussion about sex. I learned about the "facts of life" from other sources--mainly the girls at school--but I saw plenty of animals being born and I knew how they mated, but a lot of the FACTS about human reproduction which I learned from my friends turned out to be FALSEHOODS!

My sister-in-law Jan would get books at the library which were too "adult" for me to check out; she had the books for two weeks and I would read them after she had finished them. I remember the summer when I turned 13, I read "Gone With The Wind", "Grapes Of Wrath" and every other Steinbeck book in the library. When I read in "Forever Amber" about the doctor "kneading" Amber St. Clair's belly to bring the afterbirth, I couldn't ask my mother about that, but I asked my sister-in-law! I remember when my brother Gary and his wife Jan were playing "Password" with Mother and me; Jan and I were partners and the password was "tube"; I gave the clue "FALLOPIAN" and my mother indignantly asked, "HOW do you know that word?" I said, "I READ!" Fortunately, my reading habits were never monitored or censored by my mother; my brother Bode's house was a treasure trove of provocative material. I remember learning the word "undulating" from a Frank Yerby novel. In another article, I wrote about having "Lady Chatterley's Lover" as one of my book reports. My brother Bode would quote Hemingway's line about nobody ever being corrupted by a book.

Every year on my birthday, my mother had a ritual and she would tell about the day I was born. She would always start out by telling me that she "took sick" in the middle of the night and it was cool that morning and then she would relate the minutest details of getting ready to have the baby. I knew about the pads she put on the bed and making sure that everything was ready for the doctor. [After I became a smart-mouth kid, I would always interrupt with, "No boiling water?" because in the movies, they would always talk about boiling the water!] On my birth day, about 9:00 a.m., she had Bode go to tell Dr. McDonald that she was ready and Bode had to shepherd all of the boys away from the house to Grandma Shirkey's house. I knew every single detail up to the delivery--but the delivery itself was never discussed! I was born at 10:30 in the morning.

My mother did not have a birth certificate and to be able to apply for Social Security we had to go to court to have a birth certificate made for her. She needed to have a person seven years older than her to verify that she was born and my mother's Uncle Pearl supplied that. We were also required to provide documents which showed her age at different times in her life. Among the documents we were able to obtain were her school records (she was a very good student) and our eight birth certificates. We were all born at home except for Les and all of our birth certificates (except Les') had been destroyed in the tornado; I was able to get copies from the Health Department.

As I was looking at all of our birth certificates, I said, "This is amazing--we were all born in the early morning hours." She looked a little sheepish and said, "Well, your Daddy always worked second shift!" I asked what that meant and she said, "Well, I figure babies come out when they were got!"

That's the closest we ever came to discussing sex!

BATHROOM STORIES

I am a neurotic hand washer. My mother didn't believe that cleanliness was next to godliness; she believed that cleanliness WAS godliness.

1. The amount of time one should take to wash his/her hands is the amount of time one sings, "Happy Birthday". I was in a public restroom today and I thought I was alone. As I was washing my hands, I began singing "Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me..............". As I finished washing my hands, another woman came out of a stall and she said, "Happy Birthday!" I was slightly embarrassed, but I told her that it wasn't my birthday and about the hand washing routine. She said that she would have to start doing that; she and I sang "Happy Birthday" as she washed her hands, and we had a good laugh!

2. One of our relatives has a child whose every fault is excused. Everything that happens to him is always someone else's fault; if he doesn't do well in school, it is the teacher's fault; if he has a problem with interpersonal relationships, it is always the other person's fault; nothing is ever his fault. Never making a child take responsibility for one's actions cannot possibly be a good child rearing technique, but since I am nonparous, I hesitate to criticize and usually just keep mum in these situations.

However, one incident displayed such effrontery to common sense that I had to comment. In our house, we have a half-bath right off the kitchen and when the door is closed one can hear one flushing and water running. When the "faultless child" was six years old, he used the bathroom and came out the door; I had been standing there waiting for him to finish and I knew that there had been no water running after flushing. I gasped and exclaimed, "You didn't wash your hands!" His excuser immediately spoke and said, "He doesn't touch anything!" It was difficult to believe that not washing hands after using a bathroom would be excused! I believe that every other member of my family would have merely told a child to wash his hands, but this child was being excused in such a fatuous way. I was momentarily nonplussed, but as usual, I resorted to humor! I started yelling, "Gerald, Gerald, come here, you MUST learn how to do this!" Of course, my ridiculing of them was not well received.

3. This may be an apocryphal story, but I enjoy it: before they were married, Arthur Miller took Marilyn Monroe to meet his mother. Mrs. Miller lived in a small apartment in Brooklyn. Marilyn needed to use the bathroom and when she went in, she didn't want them to hear what she was doing, so she turned on the faucet. After coming out of the bathroom and after a nice visit, she and Arthur left; a few days later, Arthur called his mother and asked what she thought of Marilyn. Mrs. Miller said, "She's a nice-enough girl but she PISSES like a horse!"

4. One night after work, I asked my husband to stop at a gas station restroom. When I went in, there was some very interesting graffiti. One in particular amused me: it was written: "My name is Debbie and if you don't like me, you can kiss my butt" [I cleaned that up!]. Below it someone else had written, "You're probably just a greasy prostitute!" [I cleaned that up too!] The next night I asked my husband to stop again and he told me that was so peculiar, because I would usually go hours instead of using a public restroom. I couldn't tell him that I only wanted to see the graffiti! Debbie had obviously returned and she had written: "You probably perform fellatio on hairy donkeys" [I REALLY cleaned that up!] Below that someone had written: "I can get the donkeys for you!" The third night I eagerly anticipated Debbie's response and I asked my husband to stop and he suggested that I might want to "consult a physician" for my problem. I couldn't tell him that I just wanted to see the graffiti, because he would've suggested a psychiatrist!

When I went in the bathroom, I was very disappointed: the bathroom wall had been painted. So much for the Debbie/Donkey saga!

ROLLING STONE'S 500 ALL-TIME GREATEST ROCK AND ROLL SONGS

In 2004, Rolling Stone Magazine's Editors published its list of the 500 greatest rock and roll songs of all time. At that time the Editor requested readers to submit their lists, which I did. I actually gave a great deal of thought to my list, because I have been a rock and roll aficionado since the 1950s (when my brother Norman put an aerial on the roof to enable us to listen to "race music" from WLAC), and I felt confident that I could tell the seminal influences throughout the years.

A new list was published this month. This year's list was compiled from surveys given to famous rock and roll performers for their opinions.

You can go to the website to see the entire list.

ROLLING STONE'S LIST 2010 * * * * MY LIST 2004 AND TODAY

1. "Like A Rolling Stone"--Bob Dylan * * * * 1. "Like A Rolling Stone"--Bob Dylan
2. "I Can't Get No Satisfaction"--The Rolling Stones * * * * 2. "Heartbreak Hotel"--Elvis Presley
3. "Imagine"--John Lennon * * * * 3. "Johnny B. Goode"--Chuck Berry
4. "What's Going On"--Marvin Gaye * * * * 4. "Imagine"--John Lennon
5. "Respect"--Aretha Franklin * * * * 5. "I Can't Get No Satisfaction"--RollingStones
6. "Good Vibrations"--The Beach Boys * * * * 6. "That'll Be The Day"--Buddy Holly
7. "Johnny B. Goode"--Chuck Berry * * * * 7. "Good Vibrations"--The Beach Boys
8. "Hey Jude"--The Beatles * * * * 8. "Born To Run"--Bruce Springsteen
9. "Smells Like Teen Spirit"--Nirvana * * * * 9. "What's Going On"--Marvin Gaye
10. "What'd I Say"--Ray Charles * * * * 10. "Respect"--Aretha Franklin

I haven't changed my mind since 2004, although now I MIGHT substitute Buddy Holly for someone else. I was sad I couldn't elevate The Who, Sam Cooke, Little Richard and Jackie Wilson. In 2004, I was surprised how similar my list was with The Rolling Stone's list. In 2004, a friend of mine also compiled a list and she and I had lively discussions about our lists. I KEPT her list; it will be interesting to see if her 2010 list changes from 2004.

When I made my list, it consisted of the performers I believed who had had the greatest influence from the 1950s to the present and then I chose their most influential songs. My friend's list was similar to mine as we had nearly all of the same performers, but with different rankings. Although "Like A Rolling Stone" isn't my favorite Dylan song, I think it's his most influential, because that's when he went from folk to rock and Dylan thinks it's the best song he wrote, so who am I to quibble with Mr. Zimmerman? My friend's list had "I Can't Get No Satisfaction" as her all-time Number 1; she couldn't believe I had it as Number 5! I couldn't believe that any list could omit Elvis. My friend said, dismissively, "He didn't write anything!" I answered, "Neither did Aretha!" (#5 in her ranking) My friend asked how I could leave out the Beatles; my answer was that I thought Lennon was the most influential of the Beatles. She had The Beatles as Number 2 and Dylan as Number 3. I thought that Springsteen was the most influential after the 1950s and1960s performers. I felt that no list should be complete without The Beach Boys who had a significant influence on the Beatles, and no list should be complete without Chuck Berry, who influenced all the others!

I'm sure my brothers' lists will be very interesting as we are all FOSSILS (get it? OLD ROCKS--OLD ROCKERS! I'm sorry, sometimes I just can't help myself!).

SPELLING BEE

If you were ever in a spelling bee, I'll bet you remember the word you "went down on"! I know that I do.

I was at a Home Interiors party and the hostess introduced the Demonstrator as Rosemary Drummond. Rosemary thanked her cousin who was the hostess and then she said she was so happy that her mother Hazel Caplinger was there and she introduced her. My mind immediately stirred: "Rosemary, Rosemary, ROSEMARY CAPLINGER!" Yes, it had to be the SAME Rosemary Caplinger who "spelled me down" in the Spelling Bee when I was thirteen!

I could not concentrate on the party, because all I could think of was that this was THE Rosemary Caplinger who had defeated me!

I ordered something and handed my sheet to Rosemary to figure the amount. I waited until everyone had finished and then I said, "Spell JARDINIERE!" She asked, incredulously, "What?" I said, "I believe you won the Spelling Bee by being able to spell JARDINIERE!" She said, "I don't remember!" How could it be that she didn't remember my humiliation? She laughed and said, "But I DO remember the word that I went down on!" Of course she would remember THAT word!

I said, "J-A-R-D-I-N-I-E-R-E, jardiniere", just the way it's supposed to be done in spelling bees! Mrs. Caplinger spoke up and said, "Her son's a good speller too." Insult to injury!

My brother Les and I love to watch the National Spelling Bee but he calls the contestants "Twitchy Little Freaks"; I tell him that I was also a "Twitchy Little Freak" at one time!

GORILLA GLUE

Last week, I was sitting in the waiting room at Campbell-Wall After Hours Family Practice. A woman sat down beside me and she had both arms bandaged and the ends of the bandages kept unraveling. I offered to help her fix the bandages and I asked her what had happened. She told me she was there to have them re-bandage her arms.

She told me that she was trying to loosen the lid from a bottle of Gorilla Glue and she had put the bottle in the microwave. When she removed the bottle, it exploded, causing 1st, 2nd and 3rd degree burns on her arms, hands, and neck. She showed me minor burns on her neck and upper arms but her bandaged forearms had serious burns. Fortunately, she was wearing glasses, and her eyes were not injured.